Friday, December 26, 2008

my first sewing project.....

i have successfully made a "quilt." i had a ton of fun with my new hobby. it was supposed to be a rag quilt, and then it turned into this! i just sat down and started sewing.....and low and behold.....i made something.

there a several imperfections, but i won't point those out....and don't look for them either. i finished the blanket in early december, but i had to wait until christmas to post any pics.. haven elizabeth is now the proud owner of my first "quilt."

haven with aunt destiny and uncle jesse

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

tearful tuesday....wordless wednesday....

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

rough night......

i am having a really rough night. let me be honest.....i am having a really rough month, and it seems like everyday gets a little harder. as i was looking through pictures, i came across this one. i can't stop crying. he was alive....he was kicking me. he was active.....he was just like daddy! God...why??

i don't understand. i tried to go shopping. all i see are pregnant women with toddlers! christmas cards with happy families and new babies. mommy's and daddy's shopping for the first christmas. i am tired of the torment. there doesn't seem to be anyone that understands. i miss him so much!

i need a prayer.....

Friday, December 5, 2008

the strongest man i know.....


you make my life worth living. you are what keeps me going every day. watching your love grow for Christ has been an absolute blessing. braxton is proud to call you daddy. you are the hardest worker i know, and you do it all for us. i couldn't ask for a better man to spend my entire life with. i look forward to the years that are ahead of us. i know God has great things in store for us. you mean the world to me....i hope your birthday is great. braxton sends his hugs and kisses from heaven......happy birthday honey!

We love you,
Destiny Lynn and Braxton Lee

Friday, November 28, 2008

lost Hope...lost time

well, i do not have good news to report. once again, the results are negative. where do we turn?? i feel so much like Job right now. i feel like God is giving Satan every chance to try and break our Faith. Satan, bring it on. no matter what, we will stand strong in our Faith. we will try another IVF cycle. we will have a baby or babies. however, i am so ready for God to just say "told you so" to Satan, and let us move on.

so, i didn't feel like celebrating thanksgiving. i ate spaghetti for dinner and i stayed in my pj's all day. i cried all day. i cried for the son that was supposed to be here. i cried b/c i had to shop for a grave blanket. i cried b/c the Christmas tree will be at the cemetery.... i cried b/c i wanted to be thankful for everything i have, but i would give up so much if i could just have him back.

"in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:18

my daily devotional challenged me to just say "God I am thankful for....." something that we aren't happy about being thankful for. i cried all day, b/c i couldn't grasp saying it. i couldn't believe that something like this would come out of my mouth. but, i ended my day sitting with Braxton and i said.....

"God, i am thankful that bubby is in a better place."

as we face another day of disappointment....please don't give up on us....Pray...

i did see this today...and it is beyond words. please visit this site and leave a comment in honor of Braxton. isn't it beautiful....

God Bless,
One Sad Mommy

Monday, November 24, 2008

join my journey.......

we were keeping this all a secret.....but prayers are really needed. i have been keeping track of the journey, and i was hoping to be able to post it all with a better ending. anyway.....

Oct 7- jesse and i have decided to move forward with infertility treatments. we are going to go for the in-vitro. i am very nervous, but hopeful that getting medical help will meet God's plan.

Oct 20- started the yucky birth control pills....they make me puffy!

Nov 3- i have started injecting myself each night 3 different meds. ouch! the pic shows one of two bottles of used syringes.....

Nov 6- all my bloodwork levels came back really good....maybe too good. dr. decided to have me stop one of the meds.

Nov 8- levels fell, so i am back to taking all three meds.

Nov 10- i had the first ultrasound today, and we have 15+ follicles developing!

Nov 12- i had another ultrsound today, and i noticed right away that my left ovary wasn't growing much.....the nurse confirmed my observation. they had to triple my meds.

Nov 14- i was suppose to be ready for the egg retrieval by now, but the left ovary still isn't doing anything. as a matter of fact the follicles seem to be shrinking. God ....what is going on.

Nov 15- received the news that noone wants to hear. the IVF has been cancelled, b/c my follicles have all fizzled. the drop in my levels at the beginning of the cyle hurt everything. we are devastated. the dr has suggested going ahead with another insemination on monday. we know that God can make anything out of we are hopeful that the one remaining follicle will produce a healthy mature egg. jesse has to give me my BIG shot tonight in my hiney....yes..i am nervous.
~he is good....i didn't feel a thing~

Nov 17- we proceeded with the insemination. everything seemed to go really well. i have gained some weight throughout the treatment...but i am hoping it will all be worth it. we had the dr do any ultrsound first, just so i could see that there was still a follicle growing. Praise God...there were two maybe three. the first insemination that we tried worked (but we MC at 5 weeks) and there were only three follicles. so, there is still a chance.

there you have it in a very small nutshell. the cycle was much more intense than i could ever explain in words. so here we are in the 2ww ( two week wait). i am super anxious to get good news. i am really struggling. please lift us up in prayer. we so badly want to have children to raise in a good home and bring them up to know that God we serve. we can't wait for the day when we can dedicate our children to their heavenly Father. God, we ask all these things in your son's precious name.

i promise to let you all know just as soon as we know something.

Friday, November 14, 2008


Tuesday, November 4, 2008

God is Good ...All the time...All the time...God is Good!

I am in utter amazement. God is working in our lives and yesterday it was more than obvious.

Back in 2007, I decided that we needed to start going to church together. I wanted to experience God like other friends had and were. Jesse agreed that he would go with me. We started and he was a bit hesitant at first.. Going to church was an event for us. We went and we felt better, but we didn't really live it outside of the sanctuary. We continued to go to church and I started reading the word and daily devotionals. I had already been baptized when I was 15, but Jesse had not. I never pushed the issue, I just silently wished he would say " I want to get baptized." I silently wished he would join me in reading the devotionals or the Bible.

We were regular church attendees when Braxton went home to be with the Lord. Two weeks after Braxton's passing, Jesse was sitting on the couch after church holding Braxton's picture and I calmly said "Honey, you did hear that tonight is the water baptism at church." He was silent. He said " I know...I have accepted God and I need him more than ever, but I don't know if I want to go back to church tonight." I calmly said " Braxton showed us that life is too short." He said " You are right....tonight it is!" We were both baptized that night March 9, 2008.

Since that day, we have both had are days when all we wanted to do was yell and scream at God. "why...why our son," but more importantly...since that day...we have been changed!

There was a sermon a few months back and I specifically remember Pastor saying that the man should be the spiritual leader in the household. I thought to myself that I just couldn't see Jesse stepping up to that role. I was so glad that he was attending church and had been saved, but I really never believed that he would want to get involved any more than just attending church. I am here to say that I have seen the changes that God has made in my husband. I am here to share with you that miracles that I have seen.

~baptized on March 9
~raises hands in worship
~he is very curious about religion
~he is very attentive and inquisitive about every sermon
~he makes it a point to talk about the sermon every sunday afternoon.
~his idea to go see a movie with our church
~he wants to be an usher at our church
~he tells me that we are getting up and going to church
~he reminds me daily that Braxton wouldn't come back if he could b/c living with God is perfect!
~he wants to start helping with the car care saturday (men change oil for single or military wives)
~we have made a commitment to join the church as members
~he wants to go to a dinner theatre night at church!
~and finally yesterday's awe moment.....

Jesse and I were "farming" yesterday and this is what was said.

J: So, do you have the book of that the Bible you are reading??
D: (slight snicker) Honey do you mean "The King James version"
J: Yeah..thats it.
D: No, mine is the NIV....New International Version.
J: Well, as I was praying the other day, I got a feeling that I would start reading the Bible everyday. What do you think? I mean I really think I want too.

I was speechless....I wanted to say "Praise God" I never imagined when I took him to church several years ago that he would ever WANT to read the Bible. It is amazing the changes I have seen in the last few months and even days! God is working a miracle in him. God is Good...All the time ....All the time...God is Good!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

greater things are yet to come...greater things are still to be done...AMEN

It seems that at least once a month God uses one song to just run me over and make me gaze upon Him in a different way.

You’re the God of this city, You’re the King of these people, You’re the Lord of this nation, You are…

You’re the Light in this darkness, You’re the Hope to the hopeless, You’re the peace to the restless, You are…

there is no one like our God, there is no one like our God…

greater things have yet to come and greater things are still to be done in this city, greater things have yet to come and greater things are still to be done here.

We live in a nation and city that is blessed beyond measure. We know that God has done so much so far in the life of our city, and in us. So as you listen to this song may the Lord sing over you. May He sing the words of Jeremiah 29:11-15 over you. The song that says no matter what you are going through I am there. Whether it be good or bad, just know that GREATER things are yet to come and GREATER things are still to be done. We serve and have the privilege of knowing a GREAT God that is able to do more that we can ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20). Check it out below, and may the God of this city, be the God, Lord and Saviour of the city inside of you and us all, our hearts!!!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

a year ago.....

it was this month one year ago that i felt the first innocent kick. i was at work and i thought i felt small air bubbles. later that night, i was laying flat on my back on the couch, and this is where i felt it again. oh, how i wish i could just feel it one more time. i long for those rib punches. the bigger he got, the more he nestled his little bottom up into my left rib. i would give endless "butt/back" rubs and he loved it. he would push out for more. every once in a while i swear i can still feel the innocent small kick just saying "mom, i am still right here." i know it really isn't a kick, but it sure is an amazing feeling.

as the fall sets in and winter hangs in the balance, i am constantly worried about him being "cold." as we put another log on the fire to keep our home cozy, i can't fathom that he has to lay in the cold crisp fall air. jesse tries to remind me that he is warm all the time, but i just can't seem to stop worrying. i want to take him a blanket every night. i want to hold him close and keep him warm. i want to lay down with him and cover his grave. i just want him here.

if you happen to read this entry, please pray that he is safe, warm, and happy in the Lord's arms. i am also praying that he is hand-picking a brother or sister for mommy and daddy to have here on Earth.

God Bless,

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

we miss you all.....

On streets of gold, walk many children with candles all aglow.
Happy faces, shining smiles, but there is one that stands alone.
Oh and when asked to join the others she just smiles at them and says
I cannot keep my candle lit from the tears from my mothers eyes.
For my mother is now weeping just for me.
Although she does not understand that I'm living in this promised land
Where my candle's light can take away her tears.
Oh sometimes it seems so lonely, in our hearts we seem so sad,
From a loss of our precious loved ones and the memories that we have,
Oh but keep your eyes on their lights, let their candle shine so bright.
For they cannot keep their candles lit, from the tears that we shed,
So remember that they're living in His love.
As Jesus walks with them, let their life shine within,
And their candles light can take away all our tears....

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

light a candle in Braxton's memory........

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day. Please take a moment to pray for each of these families as we morn the loss of our babies.

~Caleb and Leah (Antone and Bella)
~Amy (Elijah)
~Amy (River)
~Katie (Brenham)
~Angie (Audrey)
~Sponberg's (Luke)
~Kellie (Leah and Maya)
~Tami (Avery and Audrey)

May God be with us all today.....

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

update from my world...

i haven't posted in awhile, so i am going to ramble!!

  • racing season ended last weekend....(yahoo!)
  • fall is favorite time of year
  • i am ready to put my down comforter on and snuggle up for a good fall/winter hibernation.
  • subbing is going well (making my own schedule is AWESOME)
  • my dogs LOVE that i am home several days a week...and i LOVE it too.
  • we are going camping/horseback riding this to follow soon.
  • jesse and i are going to officially be members at our church....our next step in Faith.
  • i have successfully kept our budget under control....and started coupon clipping (i still need assistance in this department)
Prayer requests
  • jesse and i have decided to take the next step in our quest for a baby or babies....
  • i have a cold and i really want it to go away so i can enjoy this weekend
  • Katie is having her kidney transplant tomorrow...please keep her close in your prayers
  • Anne is continuing chemo and your prayers are much needed
  • i pray that my nieces and nephews feel God's fatherly love at a time when their lives are so torn.
  • i pray that our families would draw closer to God in the good and trying times of life.
  • strength to continue our walk in Faith when it seems we are alone.
  • hope that my brother and sister in-law will have their home back by Christmas (it burnt in a gas line explosion)
  • strength to face the day...
19"Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. 20For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them." Matthew 18 19-20.

If you have a prayer request, I would love to pray for you....

Monday, September 29, 2008


Our Sunday evening church service took place at the local theatre. We watched Fireproof.....and it was amazing. I would strongly encourage all couples to go and see this film. There is even a couples daily devotional book "The love Dare" that you can purchase. Jesse and I were very glad we went. The last four services have been about Marriage, and the movie just tied everything together nicely..... Do your marriage a favor.....go see the movie!!! This movie will change lifes and marriages...

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

a rough patch....

the last few days have been rough. i miss Braxton so much. i want so badly to feel his innocent kick or his endless hiccups. i long for the day when i can hear his cry.

Braxton Lee....mommy misses you more than ever. you mean the world to me and daddy. we love you so much, and daily we question why you had to leave. mommy sees you everywhere and hears you in the wind.....right now it just doesn't seem like enough. hugs, kisses, and tears.

Please say a prayer for us.....

Friday, September 19, 2008

yes...the "moon" was out........

so i subbed for kindergarten all day today! this is just a little tid-bit from the RR experience.

"Mrs. Petersonhead, ***** just showed us her bootie without panties. she is still doing it. "

i calmly walk into the restroom where we have a crowd of onlookers....and everyone gets silent except for the "mooner" underneath the stalls. yes...i saw bare bottom crawling under the stalls laughing hysterically. she failed to notice that the entire RR went quiet. she peeked her head out to see where her "posy" went ....and there stood mrs. petersonhead!

MRS P ----"excuse me, but I think you need to pull your pants up right now...."

STUDEN----"my pants aren't down"

MRS P---"please pull your pants up now...and come with me."

Everyone else started their nap..... and me and miss mooney had a chat.

MRS P---"i was in the RR while you were misbehaving, and i would like you to tell me what you did. if you are honest, we will return to class, if not then we will go see Mr *** (the principal)"

STUDENT---"i don't know what you mean....i don't know what I did.....(tear) please don't make me see Mr ***."

MRS P---"were you acting like a big girl in the RR? or did you have your pants down showing crawling under all the stalls"

STUDENT---"oh yeah...but they were all saying "that is funny shows us again...."

i wanted so badly to say "well if they said jump off a bridge would you" but I refrained.

i finally took a big breath after leaving for the day....and counted the hairs left on my head....ONE!

Mrs. Petersonhead....LOL

Saturday, September 13, 2008

i dont understand.......

this is news for everyone....I haven't told a soul. We thought we were pregnant again. All the symptoms, missed period, and I was sure God was telling me that it was finally "my time." After four very expensive pregnancy tests, it turns out I AM NOT. We are so confused. What is my body doing?? I don't know if I am coming or going. I don't know up from down or left from right. All I know is I miss my son and I want a big brother or sister for him. Is that to much to ask?? We were so excited......and once again we hit the bottom of the bottom....I am wondering if there really is a bottom....or if we are going to keep falling. Today I am doubting if God is really listening!

Monday, September 8, 2008

3.5 hours later.....

and my house is CLEAN!! We swept, mopped, dusted and cleaned every room!!!

It smells so fresh...maybe I will keep it maintained now...

I couldn't have done it without the help of a very special MOM. THANKS!!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

open mouth ....insert foot

Update : After waking up this morning, I felt very convicted for posting out of my anger.... I am excited for my friend, I am just very upset that things come so easily for those not even trying. I just pray that our time will come soon. Please forgive me for being bitter.

So just when I think things might be looking up.....

Jesse is a mess...he has been depressed the last few days, and today it is horrible. We miss Braxton terribly.

And then I just got a phone call that one of our friends is pregnant....and it was an unplanned!


Wednesday, September 3, 2008


The last two weeks have really been an awakening for me. I can't express how much more relaxed I am. The stresses of everyday life have started to lessen, and I am enjoying life a little more. The mere thought of being in control of my work schedule excites me. I have been very good about checking sub openings, and taking the ones that are available to me. Today was my second half day and tomorrow will be my first full day.

One major change that we had to make was the amount of times we ate out for dinner. We did this a lot......probably 6 meals a week (lunches and dinner included.) I never cooked on the weekends, so lunch and dinner were both eaten in town on the go. I actually flat out hated to cook. However, last saturday I made a two week menu and headed to town by myself to do some grocery shopping. We have officially had 13 dinners at home! My husband is amazed. He commented that "I feel like we are starting to date all over know, when we lived in the little house and you cooked every night to impress me!" I enjoy cooking now. I am home during the day to plan the meal, and it doesn't bother me anymore. I did get a phone call a little bit ago.....and someone is treating us to TEXAS ROADHOUSE tonight......I am super excited!

Another change, I have been much closer to God. I bought a new Bible today. I am going to attempt to read the entire thing. However, I need a reading plan....I don't want to read from one cover to the other.....I want some pizazz. If you have a good Bible study or reading plan, please comment on it. I also started reading "A Fresh-Brewed Life" today, and I have already come to realize a few things.....

1) My random thoughts are all normal and God understands.
2) God does have a plan
3)God loves me just the way I am...I don't need to change everything.
4)It's ok to be angry
5) I am special
6) There is a difference between wishes, dreams, and longings.....
7) Everyday is a new day!

Sorry for the randomness....I just had a few things on my mind....but most importantly...

I am Calm.....

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

meet my furbabies....

(25 lb moody old man)

(lovable lap-size momma's girl)

(extra large drooling big baby)

These guys keep me sane (or insane) on a day to day basis. Recently, the two boxers have been rather "needy," I don't know if they sense my crazy nerves or what. We use to kennel them when we left, then they decided that they could be "good girls" and stay out. All was fine and dandy, until we got new carpet...then they decided that accidents would be ok every now and again. Well let me tell you that one accident a month adds up fast. So, I went back to kenneling them. And, one day while my husband was mowing I saw a peculiar sight in the yard. It looked like a fragment of the john deere sheet that princess was sleeping on in her kennel. Silly me went over and PICKED it up...and smelt it!!! Yes, she had been eating the sheet in her fits of rage in the kennel. LOVELY!

Then Nala decided to become my little "houdini." I came home one day to find her out roaming my house...and the kennel was still latched at the top and in the middle. This 90 lb dog had managed to squeeze herself through a hole 8 in hole...... We managed to add more latches and we tried again. I came home last week to a dog that was bloodshot everywhere. Her entire neck was raw...and she was soaking wet with drool. She had tried to escape again and got hung up in the kennel. Thank God she was able to "lube" herself up enough to get out before strangling.

So, we then decided to let them run free in the "back room." (we had tried this before with a baby gate, but they started climbing it to get over. So, my husband made some terrrible looking plywood make shift gate that was 5 feet tall...yes it looked like hillbilly heaven! GUESS WHAT....Nala managed to pry herself between the board and the trim and she was free again.
It was back to kennels again last night. I gave in and put their kennels in my dining room, so they could see out the big picture window (they love to just sit and watch the cars go by, and they couldn't do this in the back room.) As we were getting ready to leave last night to run an errand, I decided to set up my video camera so we could really see what they do when we leave. I had America's Funniest home video waiting for me when I got home. They licked their kennels for over an hour.......I don't know what the fascination is with standing in a pool of drool, but they don't seem to mind. Nala tried to bite every wire on the kennel...she was going crazy. Then, they both fell asleep. We had to latch Nala's kennel in four places, so she couldn't escape...boy did she try.

As you can read, they keep me on my toes. Outlaw on the other hand is just a moody old man. He wines when he wants food and leaves a present for me in front of his litter box if we fail to notice that it needs changed. Other than that....he just lays on my bed or couch and sleeps. No wonder he is an obese cat.

I have two other big babies outside....more on them another day!

Monday, August 25, 2008

"just wait..."

God spoke to me a few months ago, and gently whispered "just wait.." I was angry at the time, b/c I was tired of waiting. I guess he showed me again that I need to "just wait." I found this poem a few days later, and it really explained God's command. As hard as it is, I will wait.

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I just can't...

Yesterday, I went to help another teacher unpack all of the resource room things for the new school. I did ok all day...although it was a long day for me. However, the drive home started a night that was horrible. I started to panic and became very overwhelmed about the new position. I ended up having three panic attacks in one night. I finally called my mom and told her that I just couldn't do it. I talked to my husband and explained that as much as I truly wanted to get back into the swing of my absent life, I just couldn't do it. I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous break down. My body and mind are not ready. I jumped into it all with everyone else's thoughts in mind, and I failed to really examine myself. I wanted to help with finances, I wanted to have a job like everyone else, I wanted to look strong.....

So, after hours of crying and praying..... I had to make a decision. My husband told me that full-time was to much and that I needed to ease into a part time. I have already signed up to be a sub in the local school district. I emailed my principal and left a voice message as well. I have stressed and paced all day waiting on her to call back. I didn't know how or if I really wanted to tell her I just couldn't do it.

She finally called at 2:30. She was God sent. She had already heard from a family friend my situation, and she was so sensitive. She completed understood, and even said...if our paths cross in the future you will still be highly thought of. I can't believe it.... She truly helped me. A large weight has been lifted.

So....I will be subbing part time. I will still have time to visit with close friends that have tremendously helped me through everything. I will have down time to relax and not stress. However, financially we will be stretched. I pray that God will continue to provide as I continue the healing process.

Friday, August 15, 2008

What would have been?

Yesterday, Braxton would have been 6 months old. It was another heartbreaking day in my life. My husband may have struggled more than me this time. I recently saw pictures of an old friend's son who is the same age. I cried...I can't even fathom that Braxton would be that big. I wonder if he grows in Heaven? Or will he always be a baby? Once again, I wonder what milestones he would be making...I won't even look, I don't want to know. It seems like everyone I am close to has children or is in the process. It hurts so much. I am happy for them all, but so jealous as well. I hope this is just a feeling that will go away with time. It breaks my heart to see what I am missing out on. Maybe someday.......

The "Saturday" didn't give us good news. The treatments were not successful.

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

It surely can't get any worse......

I can't imagine that life could be more difficult. But, I have said that before, and it just seems to get worse everyday. Does God hear the thousands of prayers? Why can't I be a mommy?

Saturday, August 9, 2008


I am utterly torn apart. I can't stop crying. I want my son back. I want my life back. I am scared to death that I am just going to fail at my new job. How will I ever make it through some days. I am serious...there are days that I cry all day...and I can't stop. How do I explain that to a new boss? I am never going to amount to anything anymore. I want to be able to function in everyday life, but I am so safe here at home. I can cry all day, or if I feel up to it....I can function. I need help. I need some advice. I am scared to death to venture out of my security/comfort zone. I am just a mess. Every song reminds me of my son that will never be here. I so want to just be at home with my baby, not at a cemetery crying over his lifeless body. Please pray for me tonight. I need extra support. I honestly feel like if I just died then I wouldn't have to be stressing over stupid meaningless stuff. Lord forgive me.

One prayer answered.......

Well, I got a JOB! After literally freaking out several days, I got a phone call yesterday. I will officially be a Frankfort Hotdog. I will be teaching k-2 at the new school in frankfort. I am super excited about working with little ones.

However, there is a part of me that just isn't sure if returning to work is going to work out. I mean afterall, I have been off work for 6 months (and there are still non-functioning days for me.) I just hope that it will be a good therapy to get me back into the swing of real life. I must admit that what I am living now is no where close. I sleep 85% of the time (no joke). I just feel like if I am asleep, then I don't have to worry about things. I don't have to face the facts. I don't have to really believe he's gone. I can live in a dream state. Waking up is hard....I want to wake up and the dream to be over. Sadly, it never will be.

Anyway, I will start school August 22 with new teacher orientation. Wish me well.

We are keeping are fingers crossed for more good news to come!!!! Stay tuned.....

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in
him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

Monday, August 4, 2008

What makes a mother??

I am still crying.

I need a job....

On top of everything else....I am stressing about a job. I quit my other job hoping that I would find something closer to home. Well, after a few openings and interviews....I have been nothing but REJECTED. I don't know what we are going to do. My last paycheck came on Friday. I am holding onto my Faith and leaving this in God's hands. There is one more possibility, and I am really hoping it comes through. I am really starting to panick.....GOD HELP ME!!!!

PS.. Saturday went well....

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Trying hard not to stray.......

I can't help but really think of myself and my situation when I hear the words to the new song by Gary Allan.

I'm still learning how to pray
Trying hard not to stray
Try to see things Your way
I'm still learning how to pray

I'm still learning how to trust
It's so hard to open up
I'd to anything for us
But I'm still learning how to trust

Trying hard to understand
It's all in someone else's hands
There's always been a bigger plan
But I don't need to understand

People ask me all the time how I still have faith? I struggle daily and it is hard not to stray. I want so badly to trust God wholeheartedly, but when I trusted him until the very end and then it was all ripped away......I have had to learn to trust all over. It is hard. How will I ever know that it won't happen again. I guess that is the grandeur of our God....we will never know. But as I was watching videos by Louie Giglio the other day....something struck me. He said "Long before you knew what you were going to do with God, God knew what he was going to do with you." How amazing is that.? God has a plan for me, that I just can't see right now. He has is all figured out. What would life be like if we just "knew" everything. Ultimately whether I trust him or not, he has my life in the palm of his why not just let him have it all. His word says "Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." God is offering to carry part of the burden. God has done more than carry part of the burden. He has picked me up and carried me through the darkest hours of my life. So, why wouldn't I put my trust in him.

As far as learning how to pray goes....I don't know if I pray the right way....I start to pray for a new baby, but I find myself asking if that is enough? Do I need to add in "a healthy baby, that can live here on Earth with me, one that won't go away, one that will honor You....I could go on and on. Or does God know my desires......and I can find in His Word that he does. ROMANS 8:26-28 "Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weakness. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession of us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Now he who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." For we do not know what to pray, but the spirit makes intercession for us." God already knows what I desire before I open my mouth! I trust that he wouldn't want me to go through this pain all over again. I trust that he will bless us with a healthy baby (or BABIES).

Finally, the hardest part is understanding that there really is a plan, one much larger that I could ever fathom. My best days are still just hitting the top of my worst (if that makes any sense.) I can't imagine what on earth could be better than having my first born son here with me. But as I turn to His Word I find...... “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope for a future…” Jeremiah 29:11.

God is simply indescribable. He knows it all. He has a plan for each and everyone of his children. I pray that I will continue to seek Him in my darkest hours, at times when I don't think I can take another breath.

Another Finally......I won't go into detail yet, but Jesse and I need extra prayer on Saturday that things go as we would like if they are in God's will. Baby Dust please!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

We miss you more than words can say.....

Braxton Lee Peters

A Mommy's Love

Resting in the arms of Jesus

you'll be our "bubby" forever

"Let the little children come to me, and stop keeping them away, because the kingdom of heaven belongs to people like these." Matthew 19:14


Update 10:40 PM.... I didn't "fair" so well tonight. I bawled the entire way home. I laid on the ground at the cemetery. I made the decision to go on family night....dumb idea. There were babies and pregnant ladies everywhere. I was supposed to have the stroller with an adorable baby... but my hands were free. I am having an anxiety attack as I type...

Original Post......
I have really had a lot of anxiety issues around groups of people. One, no one ever says anything about my son. Two, I can't stand to see overwhelming happiness. But I have overcome one milestone.

We are big fans of 4-H and going to the fair. Jesse's little sis (aka Hannah) still shows sheep and swine. I knew we would be going and I was not scared this time. I mean as you know the fair is a big place around here. But, as I got out of the car, I just knew some others were going to be getting special attention for their new babies....and mine wasn't there to show. It made me bitter. And if I see one more pregnant lady, I might just scream in public.

Somewhere I pulled through as I continued to hear the words "relax, and know that I am God." God spoke to me. I was at a controllable level of calm. My husband even commended me numerous times "honey, I am so proud of you for making it through."

Wednesday is the swine show, and Jesse will be there by 7:30 am to help all day. I will go when I get out of bed. He helps run the show ring. The Grand Champion drive starts at 8 pm that night. I have to announce that their is going to be a "Braxton Lee Peters Above and Beyond Award." A new award in Braxton's name. We will be presenting it to a first year member. I would love to have you come out in Braxton's honor. I think that day will be ok too.

On another note. I have to find a job soon. I resigned from my last job, b/c I felt pressured to let my principal know, so he could hire someone else right away. I had an interview yesterday that I really would like to have. So please pray about my job calling as well.

And for a final thought...we are anxiously trying again for another baby. Send Baby Dust our way.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)

Monday, July 14, 2008

5 months

He would be five months old today. I have dreaded this day all week. I have been very curious lately about the milestones he would be hitting. What would he be doing? I want so badly to "google" 5 month milestones, but I know it will only leave me more depressed. I want him home, I want him back. I often hear "he isn't coming home," these are harsh words that I don't like. I keep holding on to the thought that just maybe I will wake up from this terrible dream.
We go to his resting place "tuck him in bed." We haven't missed a night in 5 months, except when we went to Florida (and even then I sent my best friend, Emily, and her husband to tell him goodnight.) I can't imagine not going everyday. There are some days that the mere thought of digging down to embrace him would be "ok." I want so badly to just cradle him in my arms. I want to stroke his hair and pat his butt. I just want everything to be the way we had planned. I can't accept that it isn't nor will it ever be. How do you go on? How do you accept it?

I promise maybe one day I will post when I have a hint of positive things to say, but for now, I am not optimistic....I am crushed. I don't know how much more I can take. I feel like I am going in insane. I was at mom and dad's today and heard this sure puts to words the way I feel today.

I still reach for you In the middle of my dreams each night
But my arms come up empty every time

And lately I talk to your memory
More than I should

If I could just forget the past
I would
Cause this missing you ain't doing me no good
I'm so close to crazy
Right on the edge
Just one step away from going insane

But I'm not there yet
If I could just lose my mind

I wouldn't know we're really gone
But this close to crazy
Is far from over you

Please pray for the following things:
1. Strength to get me through today
2. a job to open and come my way
3. My husband and I's relationship
4. The blessing of a new baby

God is much larger than you and me, and I hold on to my faith that He can heal our pain and sorrow.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalms 34:18)."

Sunday, July 6, 2008

4th of july.....

There was no happy to it. We went on a camping trip that was planned with Braxton in mind several months ago. My mom and dad purchased an RV late last fall. Immediately they reserved a place at Raccoon Lake. The whole family made reservations. We were going to have a fun family vacation....with a new baby. I remember distinctively my mom and dad showing me the RV for the first time. "and this is where the baby will sleep....." They had it all planned out...we had it all planned out. It was essentially the first vacation that we had planned. The closer the time came, I just kept hearing "and this is where the baby will sleep" in my mind. I don't think it ever really dawned on anyone else, but it really bothered me that Braxton was not going to be with us. I packed and we went. Mom and dad left a few days early to get everything situated....b/c camping with the Raters is like staying at the Hilton. When we got there, I went in the camper and sat on the couch. The first thing I saw was a picture of Braxton hanging on the wall... I never took my eyes off of it the entire time. In fact I sobbed the majority of our stay. I attempted to go boating, attempted to enjoy Smore's, all the while I longed to sit and stare at the picture adorning the camper wall. As I went to bed the first night, I watch the tv that sat where "the baby was supposed to sleep." Why? I cried why couldn't he be here. Why couldn't it be different? Mom cried with me. The second night I sobbed more. I even yelled at my husband and dad....they were attempting to have a little fun...and I didn't like it. The next day my older brother and his wife came along with 3 others. They were full of smiles. They were ready for a weekend of fun...a Happy 4th of July. I didn't speak...I went and laid in the bed and cried. We left early on the 4th. I couldn't stay and watch anyone have fun. We came home and I slept all day. We went to bed at 9 on the 4th. I laid in bed and listened to fireworks and I was so mad. How could anyone be having fun?
I realized at that very moment laying there that I have become a very bitter person. I try and ruin any minute of fun that someone may be having in my presence. I don't like fun, happy, smiling, laughing things anymore. I am a sad, tired person. I am very bitter about everything. I wish I knew how to change my situation, but I can't. I apologize to anyone that I may have offended along the way. I have come to realize that I need to seriously reevaluate my attitude. I need to accept things. I long for the day when I will not cry because someone laughs or smiles. I want to smile again and not feel guilty. I just am not ready right now. I am still mourning for my son....and I have a feeling that it will last awhile. I am bitter. I want my son back. I want him home with me. I don't understand why he had to go. I wonder if he ever cries for his mommy. I wonder if he really knows how much I love him. Days are getting easier, in fact the last week has been as rough as the day I had to say goodbye. Please keep us in your closest prayers.
A lonely mommy

Friday, June 27, 2008

slap in the face....

I have forgiven and I have to do so everyday, but I will never forget . I left the hospital with a feeling that maybe just maybe something was terribly wrong with Braxton. Or maybe the cord really did cause the trauma. I accepted that.....then three weeks later I get to read this.....


The wound was reopened. And to this day it remains bigger than ever. How can someone be so thoughtless, how can several people look you in the eyes and sincerely say "we have no idea." or "do you hear that, it is your baby's heartbeat" (when in fact it was mine all along). We trusted these people. You trust these people. If anything, I want to raise awareness for medical negligences cases. Do you know how many people have walked from those doors empty handed and truly thought it was all just a freak accident. They sugarcoated everything and tried to sweep my son "under the rug."

Were you there did you see a crazy lady screaming for the baby she couldn't take home. Did you stop and pray or did you calmly walk away?? Did you see her grabbing frantically at every thing in sight. She left that day without the baby she nurtured, loved, and longed for. There were things she had planned. There were dreams they had. Did you see the entire family sobbing as they watched a baby being taken from its mother? Now, she lies awake and sobs at night, while "they" sleep and work on.

Forgivenes is hard to do, but my Lord demands it. So that is what I do. I rest in knowing that heaven is Braxton's home and that is all he will ever know.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

hear my cry....

let me start by saying hello. i hope you are here to hear my story. i am a mother longing for her child's cry. i need to get my story out and i hope this will work. i need someone to hear my cry. i need someone to listen. my story defines who i am. this is not who i would have ever chosen to be. i hope my story will provide you with inspiration and hope. let me introduce you to my son Braxton Lee. he was more than i ever dreamed of. hello meant goodbye for us.My Story:

Jesse and I struggled for 14 months with infertility treatments. I had two ER surgeries to have cysts removed. In December 2006 I had two cysts that were the softball sized and were knotted. I had more cysts in May 23, 2007 that ruptured. I had to then have a labroscopy to have tissue removed. I had given up hope of ever becoming pregnant. Dr. referred me to Dr. in Indianapolis after we tried a year on clomid. I was suppose to call Dr. office a few days before I started my period, but I still was hoping we had become pregnant on our own, so I procrastinated. The day I started spotting (June 21, 2007) I called and asked if it was to late to come down and start treatments for inseminations. We went right away to learn how to do the injections. The nurse did a baseline ultrasound to make sure I didn't have anymore cysts. I thought my uterine lining looked different than it did in past ultrasounds. She then did a blood test and sent us on our way with the medications. I went for a walk that night with a friend, and upon returning I didn't feel very well. I was reaching for the the mylanta in the bathroom cabinet when I knocked my husband's deodorant into the trashcan. As I was bending over to get the deodorant, I noticed a day old pregnancy test that was now reading positive. I was ecstatic. I then peed on another one and sure enough it read positive as well. My husband works nights, so I had to call him at work. He was really busy and couldn't come home, so I broke him the news over the phone. He came home the next morning and still couldn't believe it. I called the nurse that morning to see if the blood work was back in and explained what had happened the night before. She called me back several hours later and confirmed that yes we were pregnant. We had gotten pregnant  exactly 2 weeks after my last surgery. We were so relieved and happy. Because we had had so much trouble getting pregnant, Dr. wanted to continue to see me just in case something went wrong.
We got to see the baby's heartbeat at 6 weeks and again at 7 1/2. We were so excited! I went back to Dr. for my 10 week appt. We had regular appt the entire pregnancy. The baby was developing wonderfully. I didn't have any problems until late January. I started to gain weight rapidly and the swelling also started.
The nurse practioner made the decision to go ahead and take me off work for the remainder of the pregnancy (5 weeks). My blood pressure would spike on occasions, but nothing serious. I stayed home and relaxed while preparing for the baby. My weight and blood pressure all were normal after I was taken off work. I had a hair appt on February 12, and when I left there I didn't feel right. I was extremely swollen and my blood pressure was 134/92. I called the doctor and he wanted me to come in. I was admitted into the hospital to be observed overnight. There was a trace of protein in my urine as well. The baby was doing very well through all of this despite my 8lb weight gain in 3 days.
Dr. came in the next morning and explained that the pre-eclampsia was very mild, but he would feel better if we went ahead and delivered the baby because we were already full-term (37.5 weeks.) I was only effaced 50% with no dilation. He started cervical ripening at 8am. He came back at 12 noon and I had not progressed any. He did another dose of the cervical ripening. I started to get uncomfortable around 5 pm. My husband and I walked and paced the floors waiting for the doctor to get back. The baby's heart rate was being monitored the whole time and it was doing fine. The nurse checked me at 5:30 and I was 1.5 cm and 60% effaced. They finally moved me into a labor and delivery room. Dr. came at 7:30 and I was 3cm and 80% effaced. He ruptured my membranes at this time. He stated that everything was progressing great and he would return at 9:30. I was 4 cm and 100% effaced at this time. The epidural was ordered b/c I was having heavy contractions. The Dr returned again at 11:30 pm and my contractions had slowed way down, so he ordered pitocin. He told the nurse to check me around 1-1:30. I was doing fine and the baby was too. Our families were all waiting anxiously with us. The nurse came in at 1:00 and stated that the baby's heart rate dipped a little and she needed to roll me over on my side. I was checked every 1/2 hour. By 3 am I was ready to push. We said goodbye to all of our family and told them we would be out just as soon as the little one arrived. The nurse had been having trouble getting a good heart rate reading since about 2:30, but she claimed it was b/c the baby was moving around a lot (I had the epidural, so I couldn't feel the movement.) We started the pushing process, and at 3:15 an older nurse came in to assist. They could not get a heart rate, so they rolled me several times and then gave me oxygen. Dr. was paged at 3:26 and arrived at 3:28. He inserted an internal fetal monitor and could not pick up anything. He tried another and got the same result. He then turned to me and said that the baby was in distress and we needed to do an ER C-section. I remember thinking that they were taking way to long to get things going.
I remember hearing voices talking and I was trying to get myself to wake up. All I wanted to know was if I had a boy or girl. In a blur, I saw a nurse standing over me, I asked "what did I have?" She was shaking her head "no" and said "You had a beautiful baby boy but he didn't make it." I was sure I was in a dream.
Braxton Lee was born at 3:45 am on Valentine's Day. He weighed 6lbs 14oz and was 20'' long. His umbilical cord was wrapped tightly around his neck two times. The heavy contractions and the pushing cut off circulation to his little body.
After talking with the doctors and the neonatalogist, it is clear that the nurses failed to call the doctor soon enough. Braxton had a distressed heart rate from 2:30 on. We struggle everyday wishing we would have said something about the subtle dips in his heart rate. However, we were first time parents, and we didn't know what to expect. It is hard to accept that things could have been different if the doctor would have been contacted sooner.
~info deleted~ We got to hold Braxton for the next 3 days while I was still in the hospital. We were at peace when we would hold him. The day I had to leave him there was the hardest day of my life. Why do all these other women get to leave with a smiling baby and I left empty handed? We laid Braxton to rest on 2/18.

we struggle more and more each day. it is not getting easier. it does not help to see so many families being blessed with babies. however, we continue to smile and act like we are ok. we are breaking inside. i need to express my thoughts and feelings, and i hope you'll stick around to see life through my eyes.
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