Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Trying hard not to stray.......

I can't help but really think of myself and my situation when I hear the words to the new song by Gary Allan.

I'm still learning how to pray
Trying hard not to stray
Try to see things Your way
I'm still learning how to pray

I'm still learning how to trust
It's so hard to open up
I'd to anything for us
But I'm still learning how to trust

Trying hard to understand
It's all in someone else's hands
There's always been a bigger plan
But I don't need to understand

People ask me all the time how I still have faith? I struggle daily and it is hard not to stray. I want so badly to trust God wholeheartedly, but when I trusted him until the very end and then it was all ripped away......I have had to learn to trust all over. It is hard. How will I ever know that it won't happen again. I guess that is the grandeur of our God....we will never know. But as I was watching videos by Louie Giglio the other day....something struck me. He said "Long before you knew what you were going to do with God, God knew what he was going to do with you." How amazing is that.? God has a plan for me, that I just can't see right now. He has is all figured out. What would life be like if we just "knew" everything. Ultimately whether I trust him or not, he has my life in the palm of his why not just let him have it all. His word says "Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." God is offering to carry part of the burden. God has done more than carry part of the burden. He has picked me up and carried me through the darkest hours of my life. So, why wouldn't I put my trust in him.

As far as learning how to pray goes....I don't know if I pray the right way....I start to pray for a new baby, but I find myself asking if that is enough? Do I need to add in "a healthy baby, that can live here on Earth with me, one that won't go away, one that will honor You....I could go on and on. Or does God know my desires......and I can find in His Word that he does. ROMANS 8:26-28 "Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weakness. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession of us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Now he who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." For we do not know what to pray, but the spirit makes intercession for us." God already knows what I desire before I open my mouth! I trust that he wouldn't want me to go through this pain all over again. I trust that he will bless us with a healthy baby (or BABIES).

Finally, the hardest part is understanding that there really is a plan, one much larger that I could ever fathom. My best days are still just hitting the top of my worst (if that makes any sense.) I can't imagine what on earth could be better than having my first born son here with me. But as I turn to His Word I find...... “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope for a future…” Jeremiah 29:11.

God is simply indescribable. He knows it all. He has a plan for each and everyone of his children. I pray that I will continue to seek Him in my darkest hours, at times when I don't think I can take another breath.

Another Finally......I won't go into detail yet, but Jesse and I need extra prayer on Saturday that things go as we would like if they are in God's will. Baby Dust please!

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

We miss you more than words can say.....

Braxton Lee Peters

A Mommy's Love

Resting in the arms of Jesus

you'll be our "bubby" forever

"Let the little children come to me, and stop keeping them away, because the kingdom of heaven belongs to people like these." Matthew 19:14


Update 10:40 PM.... I didn't "fair" so well tonight. I bawled the entire way home. I laid on the ground at the cemetery. I made the decision to go on family night....dumb idea. There were babies and pregnant ladies everywhere. I was supposed to have the stroller with an adorable baby... but my hands were free. I am having an anxiety attack as I type...

Original Post......
I have really had a lot of anxiety issues around groups of people. One, no one ever says anything about my son. Two, I can't stand to see overwhelming happiness. But I have overcome one milestone.

We are big fans of 4-H and going to the fair. Jesse's little sis (aka Hannah) still shows sheep and swine. I knew we would be going and I was not scared this time. I mean as you know the fair is a big place around here. But, as I got out of the car, I just knew some others were going to be getting special attention for their new babies....and mine wasn't there to show. It made me bitter. And if I see one more pregnant lady, I might just scream in public.

Somewhere I pulled through as I continued to hear the words "relax, and know that I am God." God spoke to me. I was at a controllable level of calm. My husband even commended me numerous times "honey, I am so proud of you for making it through."

Wednesday is the swine show, and Jesse will be there by 7:30 am to help all day. I will go when I get out of bed. He helps run the show ring. The Grand Champion drive starts at 8 pm that night. I have to announce that their is going to be a "Braxton Lee Peters Above and Beyond Award." A new award in Braxton's name. We will be presenting it to a first year member. I would love to have you come out in Braxton's honor. I think that day will be ok too.

On another note. I have to find a job soon. I resigned from my last job, b/c I felt pressured to let my principal know, so he could hire someone else right away. I had an interview yesterday that I really would like to have. So please pray about my job calling as well.

And for a final thought...we are anxiously trying again for another baby. Send Baby Dust our way.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)

Monday, July 14, 2008

5 months

He would be five months old today. I have dreaded this day all week. I have been very curious lately about the milestones he would be hitting. What would he be doing? I want so badly to "google" 5 month milestones, but I know it will only leave me more depressed. I want him home, I want him back. I often hear "he isn't coming home," these are harsh words that I don't like. I keep holding on to the thought that just maybe I will wake up from this terrible dream.
We go to his resting place "tuck him in bed." We haven't missed a night in 5 months, except when we went to Florida (and even then I sent my best friend, Emily, and her husband to tell him goodnight.) I can't imagine not going everyday. There are some days that the mere thought of digging down to embrace him would be "ok." I want so badly to just cradle him in my arms. I want to stroke his hair and pat his butt. I just want everything to be the way we had planned. I can't accept that it isn't nor will it ever be. How do you go on? How do you accept it?

I promise maybe one day I will post when I have a hint of positive things to say, but for now, I am not optimistic....I am crushed. I don't know how much more I can take. I feel like I am going in insane. I was at mom and dad's today and heard this sure puts to words the way I feel today.

I still reach for you In the middle of my dreams each night
But my arms come up empty every time

And lately I talk to your memory
More than I should

If I could just forget the past
I would
Cause this missing you ain't doing me no good
I'm so close to crazy
Right on the edge
Just one step away from going insane

But I'm not there yet
If I could just lose my mind

I wouldn't know we're really gone
But this close to crazy
Is far from over you

Please pray for the following things:
1. Strength to get me through today
2. a job to open and come my way
3. My husband and I's relationship
4. The blessing of a new baby

God is much larger than you and me, and I hold on to my faith that He can heal our pain and sorrow.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalms 34:18)."

Sunday, July 6, 2008

4th of july.....

There was no happy to it. We went on a camping trip that was planned with Braxton in mind several months ago. My mom and dad purchased an RV late last fall. Immediately they reserved a place at Raccoon Lake. The whole family made reservations. We were going to have a fun family vacation....with a new baby. I remember distinctively my mom and dad showing me the RV for the first time. "and this is where the baby will sleep....." They had it all planned out...we had it all planned out. It was essentially the first vacation that we had planned. The closer the time came, I just kept hearing "and this is where the baby will sleep" in my mind. I don't think it ever really dawned on anyone else, but it really bothered me that Braxton was not going to be with us. I packed and we went. Mom and dad left a few days early to get everything situated....b/c camping with the Raters is like staying at the Hilton. When we got there, I went in the camper and sat on the couch. The first thing I saw was a picture of Braxton hanging on the wall... I never took my eyes off of it the entire time. In fact I sobbed the majority of our stay. I attempted to go boating, attempted to enjoy Smore's, all the while I longed to sit and stare at the picture adorning the camper wall. As I went to bed the first night, I watch the tv that sat where "the baby was supposed to sleep." Why? I cried why couldn't he be here. Why couldn't it be different? Mom cried with me. The second night I sobbed more. I even yelled at my husband and dad....they were attempting to have a little fun...and I didn't like it. The next day my older brother and his wife came along with 3 others. They were full of smiles. They were ready for a weekend of fun...a Happy 4th of July. I didn't speak...I went and laid in the bed and cried. We left early on the 4th. I couldn't stay and watch anyone have fun. We came home and I slept all day. We went to bed at 9 on the 4th. I laid in bed and listened to fireworks and I was so mad. How could anyone be having fun?
I realized at that very moment laying there that I have become a very bitter person. I try and ruin any minute of fun that someone may be having in my presence. I don't like fun, happy, smiling, laughing things anymore. I am a sad, tired person. I am very bitter about everything. I wish I knew how to change my situation, but I can't. I apologize to anyone that I may have offended along the way. I have come to realize that I need to seriously reevaluate my attitude. I need to accept things. I long for the day when I will not cry because someone laughs or smiles. I want to smile again and not feel guilty. I just am not ready right now. I am still mourning for my son....and I have a feeling that it will last awhile. I am bitter. I want my son back. I want him home with me. I don't understand why he had to go. I wonder if he ever cries for his mommy. I wonder if he really knows how much I love him. Days are getting easier, in fact the last week has been as rough as the day I had to say goodbye. Please keep us in your closest prayers.
A lonely mommy
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