~dreaming~

perfection and innocence

I couldn't help but want to snuggle with this little man this morning

As he dreamed and smiled (at his brother).

and then he wakes up and smiles at me!!!

MckMama Giveaway!!

I am super excited about this giveaway. Go check it out!

Rainbows

Babies born to families after the loss of a child are referred to as "Rainbow Babies." The idea is that the baby is like a rainbow after a storm. "Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.

Five ways you can tell that I am a mother of a rainbow baby

1- When Cayden cries, it makes me smile.

2- Sleepless nights make me happy....

3- Until Cayden was born, it had been almost a year and a half since I had a genuine smile on my face. Everyone can now tell just how happy I am because I have developed mouth wrinkles! I think it is because I haven't stopped smiling since 6:23 on September 29, 2009!!!

4-Even when I am without baby Cayden, I carry my diaper bag as a purse just because I finally have a reason to carry a diaper bag and I want the world to know!

5-And finally, when Cayden looks up at the ceiling and smiles, I don't assume he is looking at the lights or the ceiling fan.... I know that he is looking up at one beautiful angel that surrounds our family, and he is giving him a giant smile of thanks for protecting him.

If you are a mother of a rainbow baby and you have anything you would like to add, please leave me a comment. I would love to hear what you do that makes you stand out!

2 months!

~Can you believe it, I am already two months old!! Here I am giving my mommy the much anticipated smile! I am starting to smile and coo. I especially smile when mommy and daddy smile at me!
~ I had my two month check up, and I am still really small. I weigh 8lbs 2oz and 20 1/4 in long. I am built like my daddy. He was always the smallest boy too!

~ I am eating every 3 hours during the day. I nurse mostly, but when I eat a bottle...serve me up 4 oz!!!

~I love my baby einstein play mat...the bright music making star holds my attention.

~I am a new fan of my swing...I love to just swing and stare!

~It doesn't matter what time mommy and daddy put me down at night, I will wake up b/w 2:30 and 3:30 to eat....then I am out until 7:30. Mommy then puts me on her chest and we go right back to sleep until 9. She taught me well, sleep is GOOD!



~I think I am a pretty studly looking little guy...

~I am really fascinated with this world...it all catches my eye. I like to follow interesting things...like mommy and daddy's faces!

~I was a trooper, I only cried when they stuck me.


~ I am a stud muffin! Ladies watch out!

~Thankful Thursday~

We are so thankful today. Thankful for the dream we are living, and thankful for the sorrowful past we had to live to get here. Thankful that Cayden is filling our lives with joy here on earth. Thankful that Braxton is rejoicing with Jesus in Heaven. Thankful that we have a relationship with Jesus Christ. Thankful for all of our friends and family. God has blessed us abundantly!!!

a heavy heart....

I am writing this with a heavy heart. The words are not coming easily. I have so much to say, but just not the right words to truly express my feelings. To sum it up...I miss Braxton Lee. Having Cayden and being completely overjoyed with him does not mean that I am over losing Braxton.

To many, this may seem absurd. How can she still be so sad..it has been 21 months? To this I would say, pick a child of yours to go away forever and see how you feel 21 months later. Braxton was my first son. He was my baby. There are memories that I have, and memories that I am clinging onto.

Sadness seems to creep in on me. Just when I think I am doing ok, I see a big sister leaning in to give her little sister the most precious kiss. I see the glimmer in the proud big sisters eyes. These are the moments when I miss him most. Thinking and seeing what "big siblings" do.

It is hard that some people have seemingly forgotten that I was already a mom, that I had a son, and that I miss him so much, and am far from over it. It is as if that part of me has been erased, when nothing could be further from the truth.

I will never get over it. You wouldn't either. The holidays seem to make the pain more real. I miss him more than words can say. There will forever be a hole in my heart. A hole that noone can fill. I am thankful for God's answered prayer and the healthy baby that I have here. I will forever long for the day when we can all unite in Heaven.

Braxton Lee, you are one in a million and noone will ever take your place, Though I could try, There’s no way that I could ever forget your face, You’re more than one in a million, No other ever could do, Cause not even one in a million, could ever compare to you, Could ever come close to you.

and Cayden says....

~Wonderfully Made~

"I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well." Psalm 139:14

We are in complete love with this little man. He melts my heart. I just want to snuggle him all day every day. Cayden Matthew, you are a dream come true!!!

One Month...

Mommy and daddy can't believe how much you have grown already!

~you are awake a lot more these days!

~you eat every 3 hours during the day

~you wake every 3-5 hours at night to eat

~you stir every 2 hours at night b/c you are uncomfy!!

~you LOVE LOVE LOVE bath time

~you prefer to be held while napping (everyone says you are spoiled!)

~your eyelashes have finally started to come in

~you have baby acne

~mommy heard you coo one time (she can't wait until you are cooing away)

~you like to lay on your tummy at least once a day

~you smile while sleeping (you must be talking to Braxton) (mommy can't wait until you smile at her)

~you and daddy bond at night so mommy can go to bed early

~you melt mommy's heart every minute of every day!

speechless sunday...

mommy's pumpkin...

look how fast I have grown...

I can't believe that in three weeks time he has grown so much ~tear~ Where has the time gone??

I have a lot of catching up to do!! Cayden is adjusting well to being at home. He is now 2.5 weeks old...where has time gone??? Our first week home, he was sleeping 22+ hours a day! He has started to be more alert and has been awake 4-5 hours a day. He never cries...he just grunts! He likes to stay up late and wakes every 4 hours to feed at night. He loves to cuddle with mommy and daddy. Yesterday, he spent some time on his tummy...and loved it! He also found is thumb during this time. He smiles A LOT in his sleep...and this melts my heart everytime. I wonder if him and Braxton are conversing during these happy moments in his sleep??

I know I have mentioned that Cayden was a miracle from the start, but there is so many more miracles to report. He was completely "normal" at the 24 week appt. Doctors were still hesitant on whether or not Cayden would be born with health problems. Cayden scored 10's on his Apgar test right after birth...amazing! We were devastated and nervous when the Dr reported that he failed the hearing screen in both ears while at the hospital...BUT we prayed and prayed over Cayden and yesterday he passed his hearing screen in record time. The clinician stated that she had never had a baby that had failed both ears pass so quickly. The test was supposed to take 2 hours, and it only took 20 minutes!! God is still showing us miracles!

I would love to share every detail of our time with Cayden, but then I would be missing out on cuddle time, so I will update when I can. Jesse and I are so thankful for all of your kind words and prayers.

God Bless,
Jesse, Destiny and Cayden

Cayden Matthew is here!!!!

Cayden arrived at 6:23 on Tuesday evening. He weighed 6lbs 3 oz and is 19 in long. He is more than we ever dreamed of!!! God has answered so many prayers and shown us that miracles still happen! I am still in the hospital and have limited access to a computer, so I will update and post pics just as soon as we get settled at home. We can leave tomorrow mid-morning.

~One small prayer request~
I really want to be a mommy that breastfeeds, but unfortunately, my milk supply is just gone. I had some tuesday evening and yesterday morning, but since have had none. Please pray that in time, Cayden will be nourished via breast.

I promise to update soon...

GOD BLESS!!!!

A breaking heart....

My heart is breaking right now. I just received word that a dear friend and fellow church member is giving birth to her precious daughter who is already in Jesus' arms. I don't know details, but what I do know is that this family needs lots of prayer right now. Please take a moment to lift up Erica, Jacob, and baby Kinley.

"An angel, at the Book of Life,
wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as he closed the book,
"Too beautiful for Earth.""
--Anonymous

Look at the lip!!! We say he is blowing bubbles/kisses! This was our final peek at baby Cayden. The next time we see him will be face to face. The ultrasound went very well. He has caught up on his growth and everything looks normal. I am kinda glad c-section is my only option, because he has a massive head!!!

We also had our first non-stress test to monitor his heart function. He is a trooper and a fighter...his heart appeared to be functioning perfectly. We will have a test every week up until the week he is delivered.

The most relieving part of the 34 week appointement was getting all of our anxieties out in the open with our Dr. I had been harboring them until we got a bit closer to the actual day. The Dr. knew I had a lot to express, but he has not pushed the issue. He was great at listening and responding to our every worry. Jesse and I were super relieved after the appt. Now we feel like we may be on the "homestretch."

As for me, I am feeling pretty good. The evenings are the roughest. I feel like I gain 25lbs a day just in the evenings! My blood pressure has remained normal. I have thought a lot about Braxton the last few weeks, and I know it will only get worse as we get closer to meeting Cayden. I am still not sure how I am going to hold up. We will have lots of support, so I know I will ultimately be ok.

We only have 22 days to go!!!!!

38 days and counting....

I can't even begin to describe the love I have for this child I am carrying. He makes me happy every day. I just love that I can feel every flip, kick, and turn. I wish I could share with his daddy and his grandparents all the wonderful moves he makes, but he has a way of getting "still" when someone else is watching!!! Makes me feel special that he allows me to enjoy every moment and movement. His hiccups make me giddy. His turns make me dizzy. His kicks make me proud. He just makes me happy.

The anxieties of the delivery day are beginning to mount. I feel secure with him "inside." I know that he is safe right now. I am scared to even go to the hospital. I am putting off my "to-do" list until we get within 2 weeks of delivery. I am hesistant about preparing anything. For some this fear seems odd, but I can't fathom preparing again and being let down. I am struggling with putting full trust in God right now. I am constantly reminded of how I prepared last time and then had to tear it all back apart. I know this is satan trying to defeat me, and I will not be defeated. Jesse is battling anxieties himself as well, so to say the least our home is a bit on edge these days.

We will make it. God will see us through. God will not leave us. He is one step ahead.

The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. (Deuteronomy 31:8)

Wordless Wednesday....

Cayden Matthew 30 wks (yes, that is a leg in front of face!)

29 weeks

i find it rather amusing that this shirt makes me appear much smaller than i feel or look in other shirts!!! for instance, check out my last post with the black dress...the belly appears much larger. however, i did just take this picture 5 minutes ago, so i assure you that i am 29w 1d in this pic!

cayden got the hiccups for the first time on monday night...it reminded me so much of braxton. he got them again on tuesday night at the same exact time (10:15 pm) we also picked up his heartbeat with a baby stethoscope on monday night as well. it was pure bliss....after i counted the beats to make sure they were correct....the stethoscope sounds so much different than the dr's doppler.

most importantly, i wanted to post to inform you all that we have a scheduled c-section! cayden matthew will be here on oct 5 @ 9am!!!! we are so excited and nervous, which brings me to my prayer request.

could you please pray for jesse and i's sanity during these next few months. we are both worried sick about the delivery. we are constantly being mentally reminded of the terrible experience we encountered last time and the devastating outcome. jesse has worried himself sick the last few days. we know that God has a great plan and we are trying so hard to trust in it. but, after all that has happened sometimes it is so difficult to put trust in the same circumstance again.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." [Philippians 4:6, 7]

Blessings,
Destiny, Jesse and Cayden

BL...ZING!!!!

Jesse and I celebrated five wonderful years together last night. Jesse had decided months ago that we were going to go to a semi-formal dinner. There are so many little funny things that happened while we were planning for our night out.

1. While in Jamaica 2.5 yrs ago, Jesse and I purchased a past, present, future ring that was so expensive it was my early 5 year anniversary present...yes 2.5 years early! Well, after wearing it for a day on the beach, I decided to return it. FYI...returning expensive merchandise in Jamaica is a sin! The guy was very rude and basically said he was charging me at $450 restocking fee. This is when over-the edge Destiny (I was taking hormone pills for fertility) told the dude off. He kinda just gave in at that point.

So, I was thinking that I would be getting this ring again, seeing how the 5 years is actually here. I received two phone calls from our bank person stating that "he was returning my call." However, I hadn't called, so it really made me wonder. I checked all bank statements thoroughly, but never any sign of change. As the day drew nearer, I was beginning to wonder if just maybe I wasn't getting my ring. Jesse had stated two weeks ago that I was allowed to buy a card, but we weren't getting gifts, b/c he wanted to save up for his time off when Cayden arrives.

A month or so ago, we were somehow talking about Jamaica and he said "do you remember when we bought that ring...how big was that thing?"

A few days ago, Jesse and I were talking about credit cards (I have an ER one). I giggled and said "well you have one too, but I have it"...and then I showed him that indeed his was in my wallet (not yet activated after 3 years!) I returned it to my wallet and never thought anything of it. I had his unemployment visa laying in my car on Wednesday, so I decided before I lost it that I had better put the card in my wallet. Ironically, I didn't even look in the pocket where his credit card is too, I just drop the visa in and walked away.

Yesterday came and when he arrived home he brought me in a card and slowly turned to go back outside. I read the card and then came into the computer room to do some more surfing (it is all I ever do!) Seconds later he approach me again with a grin and said "oh yeah I got this too." I knew when I saw the box that my ring was inside. The question was how did he pull this off....you see he chooses to have nothing to do with the money (I guess just in case we go under he can blame me) so the story for the ring search goes as follows.

In April he went to the mall to look at rings. He put one in lay-away. He then called my brother to see if his friend could get a better deal. Long story short, she suggested just having one made, but Jesse didn't want to have to deal with that, so he just left the ring in lay-away.

During the end of June he returned to the store to pay a down payment. He got money from his old bank account he still had from high school. And luckily the statement for that bank came the day I asked him to get the mail!!! He finally gave me the statement yesterday (sligh guy).

Well, the ring he put in lay-away wasn't really the ring he looked at first, so he decided to get a bigger ring and put it in lay-away instead!!! He was now panicking trying to figure out how he was going to pay for this ring w/o me finding out. He decided that he was going to ask his brother for a 3 week loan. However, on the day he made that decision, ironically I showed him his credit card. He skeemed and this is what he did........

I had just gone to the grocery and hadn't yet unloaded his pop from the back of my jeep. Therefore the next morning, he had to open the jeep door to get pop out, and while he did this he also STOLE a credit card from my wallet and shut the jeep back up. Well, of course I questioned why he had to open the jeep up prior to going to work....and without a smirk he said "honey, I just needed to get me a few pops out for work!"

He always comes home right after work unless he has something to do, so saying that he was going to the mall would have flown a red flag...and he is smarter than that! He needed to go get fly spray for the horses, and a spare tire for the trailer. I called him on Wednesday to also tell him that we needed horse wormer.....and that boy was in the mall (of course he told me he was at Rural King.) So, he purchased the ring and made a mad dash home.... of course he had the horse supplies in hand, so I thought nothing.

I check the bank account everyday online, but ironically I never looked at it Thursday or Friday, so I never noticed the large amount that suddenly appeared on the credit card.

He pulled it off!!! After giving me the ring...he gave me the credit card with a grin!!! (I might add that he had to know the last four digits of my social in order to activate his own card....and he struggled with that, but somehow he remembered.)

2. Jesse sent me to town to purchase him some nice dress slacks to go with his black shirt and tie. I told him numerous times that he should probably just go so I would get the right size. To that he says "I have been in the same size for two years 30 x 32" So, I got just what he asked for. I told him I thought they looked small, but he thought they looked big!!! I wish I had a picture to show all of you...they were so small he actually had a muffin top!!! And if you know Jesse, this is absurd. He is a skinny little thing...or was. I laughed for days, and of course he was devastated. He needed a 32 x 30....gee wouldn't it be nice if that would fit me!

3. If you know me, you know I really don't like dressing up. So, I was going to wear a black gaucho skirt and a maternity top...not really as fancy as his outfit. Two days ago, I talked myself into going to the mall to find a maternity dress....I only wear dresses to weddings I am in! I gave myself a 5 minute time limit, b/c I was meeting Jesse in another store to get his pants!! I wanted this to be a surprise, so I had to HURRY! I now know that this is the way to shop when you really don't care for something.

I bought a black, low cut, flowy dress and left the store. After Jesse gave me the ring yesterday, I mentioned that I had also bought him a gift that was non-returnable (motherhood maternity has some weird policies!) He was a bit nervous and later told me all the things that ran through his mind. He really thought I went out and bought either a new race car, a new boat, or a new trailer!!!! He is insane! I was standing in the dress has he stepped out of the shower and I said "this is non-returnable." You should have seen the sign of relief come over his face. He thought for sure with his purchase and mine that we were going to be in debt for a LONG TIME!

After the craziness to purchase a ring, pants, and a dress, we had a terrific evening. It was just our style too. Jesse didn't wait until dinner and give me the ring with roses or anything...he just handed it to me...not really your romantic type...but I wouldn't have him any other way. We both looked really nice and we took lots of pictures. We went to dinner and came home to spend the evening together...nothing fancy but again..just our style. My mother-in-law got us an ice cream cake, so of course I ate that for desert!

Now here is a few pics of us and of course the BL..ZING!!!!