Throughout the entire sermon there was a name that kept resounding in my head/mind. The name of someone who my flesh likes to blame for my loss. I have said that I have "forgiven" several times, but there was still a part of me that was "holding on," just so I would feel better about the entire situation. It always makes us feel better if we can point fingers at someone or something for the strongholds or situations in our lives.
The disgusting selfish side of me felt better having someone to "blame." While my heart knew that God was in control that night, my earthly flesh kept reminding me that there were others in control that night as well. Holding onto my anger only kept me stirred about the situation.
The song "Break every Chain" played during worship, and before I even knew what the sermon was about...God was stirring my heart. He was speaking directly to me to "let go." About mid sermon our pastor asked us to think about a time, person, stronghold, issue, etc that we were carrying around with us, and to write it on the slip of paper that had been provided to us.
I cried. I leaned into one of my best friends who has also lost a baby, and simply said "I just can't write it down." She reminded me that it wasn't for that person, but for me. I knew that if I wanted true freedom in Christ that I needed to "let go."
As the sermon ended, we were asked to bring the slips of paper down front and rip them up at the altar...symbolizes "letting go." I waited....my flesh and heart fought a hard battle. The enemy kept reminding me of why I was "holding on," and my Savior kept me reminding me why I needed to "let go." I wrote that name down, stood to my feet, and walked to the altar with my husband on one side and my friend behind me.
As the song repeated..."break every chain, break every chain, break every chain," I tore that paper into tiny pieces and laid them at the altar. It was in the coming weeks that I began to feel "free." I was letting something that I could not and can not change, hold me back from truly enjoying this life.
Are you living in the past? Is there something or someone who has hurt you deeply that you just keep clinging to, and using as an excuse to why life is hard for you? Is it something that you can not change...if so, let it go. I have spent the last 4 years of my life bound to chains that I have no control over. A situation that as much as my wish I could...I can not change. I can't have him back in this life, so it is time I start truly enjoying the blessed life that I have here.
Am I still sad and upset at the situation...absolutely. I miss him to the core of my being. Watching my friends' 4 year olds hurts at times. I am watching what I am missing out on. However, holding on to the hurt/anger only makes me miss more of this life that I don't have to miss.
Listen to this song, and let your heart cry out to God. Ask Him to heal that hurt. Only He can set you free. Forgiving is about forgiving the person/situation and the sin. If we want God to forgive us, we must forgive as we wish to be forgiven...completely not half heartedly!
Do not let the bondage of the past keep you from being truly free! God can bring you hope and healing. He is mighty to save! Let the Holy Spirit stir something in you!
I am fully aware that this is a journey...I will probably have to "let go" of the same thing for many years to come...but this is a great start!!!