Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday dear meeee...Happy Birthday to me!!!! This is an exciting day at our house, my mommy and daddy have been dreaming of this day for a long time. Let's get right to my "stats."
~ I am weighing in at... (check back on the 4th after my appt!)
~ Size 3 diaper.
~3-6, 6, 6-9 month shirts ----3-6, 6 month pants
~ Sleeps 9-9 with one wake up to get in mommy's bed (around 7)
~ Completely on sippy with whole milk.
~ New words : Fish, bye bye, cess (for Princess), papaw, yes, etta (Erica)
~ I am cruising along anything I can.
~ I can stand alone for short 3 second spurts.
~ I got another top tooth.
~ I just started walking behind my car and hippo really well.
****Warning..this post is negative. It is a sob story, pity party, feel bad for myself post. If you are not interested in listening to me whine, then don't read!
Today, I feel like Braxton's death is a life sentence of anguish and pain. There is something everyday that sparks feelings of sadness or anger. (There are days when I have LOTS of happiness too, but today is not one of them.) Read on to hear what life seems to be like.
~ Every 14 of the month is a reminder of just how old he should be.
~ Ambien, Xanax, and anti-depressants are necessary parts of our medicine cabinet, just so I can cope.
~ Losing Braxton made me a very clingy, dependent person...this is not healthy for my marriage!
~ Nothing can fully satisfy me. There is forever a hole in my heart.
~ Time did not erase anything!
~ Seeing other children his "age" makes me wonder why, what if, how?
~ Planning a birthday party for Cayden seems unfair to Braxton...all I ever got to "give" him was a headstone.
~ I am overprotective (Cayden will hate this when he grows up.)
~ I am moody and can snap at any moment for unknown reasons.
~ I should know what to say to my friends who are walking closely behind my footsteps...however all I can do is cry for them.
~ Constantly live trying to balance sadness and happiness at the same time (this is extremely difficult.)
~ News broadcasts about irresponsible parents who kill children makes me question God's motive. ( Why couldn't I keep Braxton, why can't I get pregnant, but they do?)
~ I want the happy-go-lucky girl back that enjoyed everything about life (I don't even know where to begin to get her back, I am so far gone.)
I am a mess. I don't know why. I feel distant from this world. I need prayer.