Wednesday, September 15, 2010

a life sentence

****Warning..this post is negative.  It is a sob story, pity party, feel bad for myself post.  If you are not interested in listening to me whine, then don't read!

Today, I feel like Braxton's death is a life sentence of anguish and pain.  There is something everyday that sparks feelings of sadness or anger. (There are days when I have LOTS of happiness too, but today is not one of them.)  Read on to hear what life seems to be like. 

~ Every 14 of the month is a reminder of just how old he should be. 

~ Ambien, Xanax, and anti-depressants are necessary parts of our medicine cabinet, just so I can cope.

~ Losing Braxton made me a very clingy, dependent person...this is not healthy for my marriage!

~ Nothing can fully satisfy me. There is forever a hole in my heart.

~ Time did not erase anything!

~ Seeing other children his "age" makes me wonder why, what if, how?

~ Planning a birthday party for Cayden seems unfair to Braxton...all I ever got to  "give" him was a headstone.

~ I am overprotective (Cayden will hate this when he grows up.)

~ I am moody and can snap at any moment for unknown reasons.

~ I should know what to say to my friends who are walking closely behind my footsteps...however all I can do is cry for them.

~ Constantly live trying to balance sadness and happiness at the same time (this is extremely difficult.)

~ News broadcasts about irresponsible parents who kill children makes me question God's motive. ( Why couldn't I keep Braxton, why can't I get pregnant, but they do?)

~ I want the happy-go-lucky girl back that enjoyed everything about life (I don't even know where to begin to get her back, I am so far gone.)

I am a mess.  I don't know why.  I feel distant from this world.  I need prayer. 


Anne said...

All I can say is that I'm praying for you and it's ok to feel this way.

Anonymous said...

I have no words to heal your pain. I only pray that you hold tight to the personal relationship you have in Jesus. He is the way, truth, and life that gives abundantly to those who love Him. He will work all things for the good because of your love for Him. I have no answer for why Braxton didn't live with you here and why others can abuse their children without a death penalty of their own. I pray fervently that you are able to feel like you can one day be the wonderful person that God created you to be. I love you and care for you deeply!

Krista said...

Some days are just so much harder than others. I feel a lot of pain and sadness too as I plan a first birthday party for G. I think it is just another reminder of the something I will never do with the girls. Thinking of you and hoping that tomorrow morning will bring joy. Just hug that adorable baby boy close!

Paige said...

One of those's okay to have those! Prayers for you. I just have to keep in my mind that being happy and enjoying my life doesn't mean I love Tatum any less. If that makes any sense---

Kahla said...

I am sending prayers. I can't even imagine how you feel. My identical twin sister passed from SIDS when we were 6 weeks old. That was 34 years and my mother still grieves. I think it will always be a part of you, but you will be forever changed. Praying you are able to keep moving ahead and getting stronger every day. (((HUGS))

Ashly said...

I will pray for you. Give it all to Him, he can take it. Tell Him everything.

Erica Crum said...

I have no words of comfort because, as you know, I'm in the exact same place!!!! I'll never understand why we have to walk this path in life (at least not in this life!) BUT, by crying for those of us who are following closely behind you in your footsteps, you are helping. You don't have to have the words to say to make it better, just knowing that you understand, and love, and pray is more than I could ever ask for!!!! And, you've given Braxton so much more than just a headstone. He knows the love you have for him and that's the greatest thing that you could ever give him!

Anonymous said...

Just as you shed tears for those who are following in your steps, there are people shedding tears for you, your family, and the son you are missing.
You are an amazingly strong woman with a faith that I strive to have.

Anonymous said...

OH Destiny, I pray for you, Momma, at this moment, yes it is ok to feel this way....I do not know this pain or pretend too! My heart aches for you, but know yours and mine is held together by LOVE....GOD....Braxton Lee will forever be with us....he just lives with God, I too wish he were living with you, Jesse and Cayden, but so happy he is with Jesus, if he cannot be here. You are an awesome person and will not ever be the same, but you will always be Braxton's Mommy and I know even with ALL the pain, not understanding, you would not take that back for anything....You represent all the good in a Mom and all your heartache is because of ALL the love you have....May God hold you and hear your cry, oh glorious Lord for Destiny needs to know why? In your way Lord, the answer will be known someday, but we miss Braxton Lee, and know what a miracle he was...please keep him close till we can see him again someday..Thank you Jesus. Love, Aunt Judy

Anissa said...

Destiny, I wanted so bad to comment to you yesterday but I felt I didn't have the right words. I prayed for wise words to come, but all that kept coming was a vision of shackels and a key. We ALL have something in our life that we keep ourself shackeled to, and I truly feel that makes God sad for us. HE doesn't want us to serve a life sentence! HE has given us the key ~ his Son! The pain of losing Braxton will NEVER go away, but you can free yourself of the guilt of living and celebrating your life!! You survived for a reason! Your marriage survived for a reason! Cayden is here for a reason! I pray you grab ahold of that KEY with all your might and open the treasure box of all this life has still to offer you!! Someday when you're reunited with Braxton, this will seem but a blink! In HIS name, Anissa

Anonymous said...

Destiny, I feel your pain. I too am on a daily regimen of anti-depressents, Xanax, and ambien. This is the only way I make it through my day, everyday. They say time heals all wounds, but I'm beginning to disagree with that statement. I wish all the best for you. We'll make it through this. Or hopefully it'll get easier. *hug*

Brittanie said...

I have had so many days like this. While I'm okay without the Xanax most days, some days I wish I had some. It's hard. But it's not a punishment. God doesn't work that way.

One day, when you stand before God with your life laid before you, your Braxton will stand to testify of you. What will he say? "My mommy did nothing but love me and wanted nothing more than to protect me. She did her best." When you see those stories of other people, remember: they may not get justice in this world, but those children will testify of their life in the next.


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