Monday, November 23, 2009

a heavy heart....



I am writing this with a heavy heart. The words are not coming easily. I have so much to say, but just not the right words to truly express my feelings. To sum it up...I miss Braxton Lee. Having Cayden and being completely overjoyed with him does not mean that I am over losing Braxton.

To many, this may seem absurd. How can she still be so sad..it has been 21 months? To this I would say, pick a child of yours to go away forever and see how you feel 21 months later. Braxton was my first son. He was my baby. There are memories that I have, and memories that I am clinging onto.

Sadness seems to creep in on me. Just when I think I am doing ok, I see a big sister leaning in to give her little sister the most precious kiss. I see the glimmer in the proud big sisters eyes. These are the moments when I miss him most. Thinking and seeing what "big siblings" do.

It is hard that some people have seemingly forgotten that I was already a mom, that I had a son, and that I miss him so much, and am far from over it. It is as if that part of me has been erased, when nothing could be further from the truth.

I will never get over it. You wouldn't either. The holidays seem to make the pain more real. I miss him more than words can say. There will forever be a hole in my heart. A hole that noone can fill. I am thankful for God's answered prayer and the healthy baby that I have here. I will forever long for the day when we can all unite in Heaven.

Braxton Lee, you are one in a million and noone will ever take your place, Though I could try, There’s no way that I could ever forget your face, You’re more than one in a million, No other ever could do, Cause not even one in a million, could ever compare to you, Could ever come close to you.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sing for joy, O heavens!
Rejoice, O earth!
Burst into song, O mountains!
For the Lord has comforted his people and will have compassion on them in their suffering.

Yet Jerusalem says, “The Lord has deserted us; the Lord has forgotten us.”

“Never! Can a mother forget her nursing child?
Can she feel no love for the child she has borne?
But even if that were possible,
I would not forget you!
See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands.
Isaiah 49:13-16

The Blue Sparrow said...

I relate with every word in this post. People really do assume because your life moves on that you stop mourning the loss of your baby. I also am dreading the upcoming holidays bc I know what should have been this year. Its hard. Sending big hugs your way!

Lisa said...

Destiny ~ Keeping you in my prayers. Even though we never got to see the child that we lost... I still miss that baby. It is hard to go on at times, I hit that day in February and think about how old that child would be right now, how would he/she be interacting with Cameron and the list goes on. You are able to think about Braxton and you are definitely able to keep loving him and missing him. I pray that you find comfort during these difficult times. Hang in there girl.

Hugs,
Lisa

Amanda Hoyt said...

Thinking of you, Destiny...
Many hugs,
Amanda

Candi said...

you are in my prayers.

Kahla said...

Sending a prayer, my heart is aching for you.

Rooney's Little Musings said...

Destiny,

You took the words out of my mouth. I still miss Henry so much I feel like I can't breathe.

Thinking of you.

(your little Cayden is so Beautiful, sorry it's taken me so long to comment!)

Hayley @ Prim it Up! said...

I'm so sorry you've lost your son. For those insensitive people who feel you should be "over it".. they don't deserve your time, so don't give it to them. No, you will never be over it, he was your baby. I only have one child, she's 19 and I don't know what I'd do if I lost her.. don't even want to think about it. I wish you well and am happy that you now have another son who will bring you the joy and love you're missing.. no he doesn't replace Braxton, nobody could but he may help you find some peace. Don't push yourself, it will come in time.

 
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