He would be five months old today. I have dreaded this day all week. I have been very curious lately about the milestones he would be hitting. What would he be doing? I want so badly to "google" 5 month milestones, but I know it will only leave me more depressed. I want him home, I want him back. I often hear "he isn't coming home," these are harsh words that I don't like. I keep holding on to the thought that just maybe I will wake up from this terrible dream.
We go to his resting place everynight....to "tuck him in bed." We haven't missed a night in 5 months, except when we went to Florida (and even then I sent my best friend, Emily, and her husband to tell him goodnight.) I can't imagine not going everyday. There are some days that the mere thought of digging down to embrace him would be "ok." I want so badly to just cradle him in my arms. I want to stroke his hair and pat his butt. I just want everything to be the way we had planned. I can't accept that it isn't nor will it ever be. How do you go on? How do you accept it?
I promise maybe one day I will post when I have a hint of positive things to say, but for now, I am not optimistic....I am crushed. I don't know how much more I can take. I feel like I am going in insane. I was at mom and dad's today and heard this song....it sure puts to words the way I feel today.
I still reach for you In the middle of my dreams each night
But my arms come up empty every time
And lately I talk to your memory
More than I should
If I could just forget the past
I would Cause this missing you ain't doing me no good
I'm so close to crazy Right on the edge
Just one step away from going insane
But I'm not there yet
If I could just lose my mind
I wouldn't know we're really gone
But this close to crazy Is far from over you
Please pray for the following things:
1. Strength to get me through today
2. a job to open and come my way
3. My husband and I's relationship
4. The blessing of a new baby
God is much larger than you and me, and I hold on to my faith that He can heal our pain and sorrow.
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalms 34:18)."