Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Trying hard not to stray.......

I can't help but really think of myself and my situation when I hear the words to the new song by Gary Allan.

I'm still learning how to pray
Trying hard not to stray
Try to see things Your way
I'm still learning how to pray

I'm still learning how to trust
It's so hard to open up
I'd to anything for us
But I'm still learning how to trust

Trying hard to understand
It's all in someone else's hands
There's always been a bigger plan
But I don't need to understand

People ask me all the time how I still have faith? I struggle daily and it is hard not to stray. I want so badly to trust God wholeheartedly, but when I trusted him until the very end and then it was all ripped away......I have had to learn to trust all over. It is hard. How will I ever know that it won't happen again. I guess that is the grandeur of our God....we will never know. But as I was watching videos by Louie Giglio the other day....something struck me. He said "Long before you knew what you were going to do with God, God knew what he was going to do with you." How amazing is that.? God has a plan for me, that I just can't see right now. He has is all figured out. What would life be like if we just "knew" everything. Ultimately whether I trust him or not, he has my life in the palm of his why not just let him have it all. His word says "Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." God is offering to carry part of the burden. God has done more than carry part of the burden. He has picked me up and carried me through the darkest hours of my life. So, why wouldn't I put my trust in him.

As far as learning how to pray goes....I don't know if I pray the right way....I start to pray for a new baby, but I find myself asking if that is enough? Do I need to add in "a healthy baby, that can live here on Earth with me, one that won't go away, one that will honor You....I could go on and on. Or does God know my desires......and I can find in His Word that he does. ROMANS 8:26-28 "Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weakness. For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession of us with groanings which cannot be uttered. Now he who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He makes intercession for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." For we do not know what to pray, but the spirit makes intercession for us." God already knows what I desire before I open my mouth! I trust that he wouldn't want me to go through this pain all over again. I trust that he will bless us with a healthy baby (or BABIES).

Finally, the hardest part is understanding that there really is a plan, one much larger that I could ever fathom. My best days are still just hitting the top of my worst (if that makes any sense.) I can't imagine what on earth could be better than having my first born son here with me. But as I turn to His Word I find...... “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope for a future…” Jeremiah 29:11.

God is simply indescribable. He knows it all. He has a plan for each and everyone of his children. I pray that I will continue to seek Him in my darkest hours, at times when I don't think I can take another breath.

Another Finally......I won't go into detail yet, but Jesse and I need extra prayer on Saturday that things go as we would like if they are in God's will. Baby Dust please!


The Cantlons said...

Your latest blog sounds . . .hopeful. . . for lack of a better term. It makes me happy. I am definitely sending you baby dust. I pray that you and Jesse get everything you hope for in the coming days. I hope the job hunt is going well. Miss you.

Annie said...

Praying Destiny---

Praying that God will grant you the mercy, grace, and wisdom to handle whatever happens in the next two weeks!!!

God'sGirl said...
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Anonymous said...

I feel drawn to read your site. My heart breaks for you because I have no clue what you are going through. Your bravery and your faith are an inspiration. I have no clue what to say other than I am praying for you often!

God Bless and continue to give all your care to God!!

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