Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I just can't...

Yesterday, I went to help another teacher unpack all of the resource room things for the new school. I did ok all day...although it was a long day for me. However, the drive home started a night that was horrible. I started to panic and became very overwhelmed about the new position. I ended up having three panic attacks in one night. I finally called my mom and told her that I just couldn't do it. I talked to my husband and explained that as much as I truly wanted to get back into the swing of my absent life, I just couldn't do it. I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous break down. My body and mind are not ready. I jumped into it all with everyone else's thoughts in mind, and I failed to really examine myself. I wanted to help with finances, I wanted to have a job like everyone else, I wanted to look strong.....

So, after hours of crying and praying..... I had to make a decision. My husband told me that full-time was to much and that I needed to ease into a job..ie part time. I have already signed up to be a sub in the local school district. I emailed my principal and left a voice message as well. I have stressed and paced all day waiting on her to call back. I didn't know how or if I really wanted to tell her I just couldn't do it.

She finally called at 2:30. She was God sent. She had already heard from a family friend my situation, and she was so sensitive. She completed understood, and even said...if our paths cross in the future you will still be highly thought of. I can't believe it.... She truly helped me. A large weight has been lifted.

So....I will be subbing part time. I will still have time to visit with close friends that have tremendously helped me through everything. I will have down time to relax and not stress. However, financially we will be stretched. I pray that God will continue to provide as I continue the healing process.

5 comments:

Rooney's Little Musings said...

I'm so sorry you had a bad day, but I am glad you came to a decision that gave you peace. It's so hard to get back into work.
Sometimes I feel like my brain doesn't work.

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog and I am so glad I did. Your son is beautiful and such a blessing. I am going to pray for you and for healing. Although I do not know what you are going through I do know that you are right for not taking something full time. That just seems to much to soon. I will also pray for God's provision.

Heidi P. From Chicago

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to say how brave you are and how much I think of you every day. Email me your # again. We love you:)
~Amanda~

Pinkalicious said...

What a supportive husband. Good for you to take the time you need. I hope the subbing goes well and I will continue to pray for your healing.
Thinking of you,
Sara

amy said...

I also just found your blog yesterday. My heart breaks for the loss of your precious Braxton and I have been crying and praying for you throughout the day. I pray for the sweet arms of Jesus to hold you close. Thank you for your courage to share your journey and your grief.

 
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