meet my furbabies....

---Outlaw---
(25 lb moody old man)

---Princess---
(lovable lap-size momma's girl)

---Nala---
(extra large drooling big baby)

These guys keep me sane (or insane) on a day to day basis. Recently, the two boxers have been rather "needy," I don't know if they sense my crazy nerves or what. We use to kennel them when we left, then they decided that they could be "good girls" and stay out. All was fine and dandy, until we got new carpet...then they decided that accidents would be ok every now and again. Well let me tell you that one accident a month adds up fast. So, I went back to kenneling them. And, one day while my husband was mowing I saw a peculiar sight in the yard. It looked like a fragment of the john deere sheet that princess was sleeping on in her kennel. Silly me went over and PICKED it up...and smelt it!!! Yes, she had been eating the sheet in her fits of rage in the kennel. LOVELY!

Then Nala decided to become my little "houdini." I came home one day to find her out roaming my house...and the kennel was still latched at the top and in the middle. This 90 lb dog had managed to squeeze herself through a hole 8 in hole...... We managed to add more latches and we tried again. I came home last week to a dog that was bloodshot everywhere. Her entire neck was raw...and she was soaking wet with drool. She had tried to escape again and got hung up in the kennel. Thank God she was able to "lube" herself up enough to get out before strangling.

So, we then decided to let them run free in the "back room." (we had tried this before with a baby gate, but they started climbing it to get over. So, my husband made some terrrible looking plywood make shift gate that was 5 feet tall...yes it looked like hillbilly heaven! GUESS WHAT....Nala managed to pry herself between the board and the trim and she was free again.
It was back to kennels again last night. I gave in and put their kennels in my dining room, so they could see out the big picture window (they love to just sit and watch the cars go by, and they couldn't do this in the back room.) As we were getting ready to leave last night to run an errand, I decided to set up my video camera so we could really see what they do when we leave. I had America's Funniest home video waiting for me when I got home. They licked their kennels for over an hour.......I don't know what the fascination is with standing in a pool of drool, but they don't seem to mind. Nala tried to bite every wire on the kennel...she was going crazy. Then, they both fell asleep. We had to latch Nala's kennel in four places, so she couldn't escape...boy did she try.

As you can read, they keep me on my toes. Outlaw on the other hand is just a moody old man. He wines when he wants food and leaves a present for me in front of his litter box if we fail to notice that it needs changed. Other than that....he just lays on my bed or couch and sleeps. No wonder he is an obese cat.

I have two other big babies outside....more on them another day!

"just wait..."

God spoke to me a few months ago, and gently whispered "just wait.." I was angry at the time, b/c I was tired of waiting. I guess he showed me again that I need to "just wait." I found this poem a few days later, and it really explained God's command. As hard as it is, I will wait.

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.

"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
As my Master replied again, "Wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"

He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.

"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.

"You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.

"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,

My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

I just can't...

Yesterday, I went to help another teacher unpack all of the resource room things for the new school. I did ok all day...although it was a long day for me. However, the drive home started a night that was horrible. I started to panic and became very overwhelmed about the new position. I ended up having three panic attacks in one night. I finally called my mom and told her that I just couldn't do it. I talked to my husband and explained that as much as I truly wanted to get back into the swing of my absent life, I just couldn't do it. I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous break down. My body and mind are not ready. I jumped into it all with everyone else's thoughts in mind, and I failed to really examine myself. I wanted to help with finances, I wanted to have a job like everyone else, I wanted to look strong.....

So, after hours of crying and praying..... I had to make a decision. My husband told me that full-time was to much and that I needed to ease into a job..ie part time. I have already signed up to be a sub in the local school district. I emailed my principal and left a voice message as well. I have stressed and paced all day waiting on her to call back. I didn't know how or if I really wanted to tell her I just couldn't do it.

She finally called at 2:30. She was God sent. She had already heard from a family friend my situation, and she was so sensitive. She completed understood, and even said...if our paths cross in the future you will still be highly thought of. I can't believe it.... She truly helped me. A large weight has been lifted.

So....I will be subbing part time. I will still have time to visit with close friends that have tremendously helped me through everything. I will have down time to relax and not stress. However, financially we will be stretched. I pray that God will continue to provide as I continue the healing process.

What would have been?

Yesterday, Braxton would have been 6 months old. It was another heartbreaking day in my life. My husband may have struggled more than me this time. I recently saw pictures of an old friend's son who is the same age. I cried...I can't even fathom that Braxton would be that big. I wonder if he grows in Heaven? Or will he always be a baby? Once again, I wonder what milestones he would be making...I won't even look, I don't want to know. It seems like everyone I am close to has children or is in the process. It hurts so much. I am happy for them all, but so jealous as well. I hope this is just a feeling that will go away with time. It breaks my heart to see what I am missing out on. Maybe someday.......

The "Saturday" didn't give us good news. The treatments were not successful.

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.

It surely can't get any worse......

I can't imagine that life could be more difficult. But, I have said that before, and it just seems to get worse everyday. Does God hear the thousands of prayers? Why can't I be a mommy?

Miserable...

I am utterly torn apart. I can't stop crying. I want my son back. I want my life back. I am scared to death that I am just going to fail at my new job. How will I ever make it through some days. I am serious...there are days that I cry all day...and I can't stop. How do I explain that to a new boss? I am never going to amount to anything anymore. I want to be able to function in everyday life, but I am so safe here at home. I can cry all day, or if I feel up to it....I can function. I need help. I need some advice. I am scared to death to venture out of my security/comfort zone. I am just a mess. Every song reminds me of my son that will never be here. I so want to just be at home with my baby, not at a cemetery crying over his lifeless body. Please pray for me tonight. I need extra support. I honestly feel like if I just died then I wouldn't have to be stressing over stupid meaningless stuff. Lord forgive me.

One prayer answered.......

Well, I got a JOB! After literally freaking out several days, I got a phone call yesterday. I will officially be a Frankfort Hotdog. I will be teaching k-2 at the new school in frankfort. I am super excited about working with little ones.

However, there is a part of me that just isn't sure if returning to work is going to work out. I mean afterall, I have been off work for 6 months (and there are still non-functioning days for me.) I just hope that it will be a good therapy to get me back into the swing of real life. I must admit that what I am living now is no where close. I sleep 85% of the time (no joke). I just feel like if I am asleep, then I don't have to worry about things. I don't have to face the facts. I don't have to really believe he's gone. I can live in a dream state. Waking up is hard....I want to wake up and the dream to be over. Sadly, it never will be.

Anyway, I will start school August 22 with new teacher orientation. Wish me well.

We are keeping are fingers crossed for more good news to come!!!! Stay tuned.....

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in
him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

What makes a mother??

I am still crying.

I need a job....

On top of everything else....I am stressing about a job. I quit my other job hoping that I would find something closer to home. Well, after a few openings and interviews....I have been nothing but REJECTED. I don't know what we are going to do. My last paycheck came on Friday. I am holding onto my Faith and leaving this in God's hands. There is one more possibility, and I am really hoping it comes through. I am really starting to panick.....GOD HELP ME!!!!

PS.. Saturday went well....