4th of july.....

There was no happy to it. We went on a camping trip that was planned with Braxton in mind several months ago. My mom and dad purchased an RV late last fall. Immediately they reserved a place at Raccoon Lake. The whole family made reservations. We were going to have a fun family vacation....with a new baby. I remember distinctively my mom and dad showing me the RV for the first time. "and this is where the baby will sleep....." They had it all planned out...we had it all planned out. It was essentially the first vacation that we had planned. The closer the time came, I just kept hearing "and this is where the baby will sleep" in my mind. I don't think it ever really dawned on anyone else, but it really bothered me that Braxton was not going to be with us. I packed and we went. Mom and dad left a few days early to get everything situated....b/c camping with the Raters is like staying at the Hilton. When we got there, I went in the camper and sat on the couch. The first thing I saw was a picture of Braxton hanging on the wall... I never took my eyes off of it the entire time. In fact I sobbed the majority of our stay. I attempted to go boating, attempted to enjoy Smore's, all the while I longed to sit and stare at the picture adorning the camper wall. As I went to bed the first night, I watch the tv that sat where "the baby was supposed to sleep." Why? I cried why couldn't he be here. Why couldn't it be different? Mom cried with me. The second night I sobbed more. I even yelled at my husband and dad....they were attempting to have a little fun...and I didn't like it. The next day my older brother and his wife came along with 3 others. They were full of smiles. They were ready for a weekend of fun...a Happy 4th of July. I didn't speak...I went and laid in the bed and cried. We left early on the 4th. I couldn't stay and watch anyone have fun. We came home and I slept all day. We went to bed at 9 on the 4th. I laid in bed and listened to fireworks and I was so mad. How could anyone be having fun?
I realized at that very moment laying there that I have become a very bitter person. I try and ruin any minute of fun that someone may be having in my presence. I don't like fun, happy, smiling, laughing things anymore. I am a sad, tired person. I am very bitter about everything. I wish I knew how to change my situation, but I can't. I apologize to anyone that I may have offended along the way. I have come to realize that I need to seriously reevaluate my attitude. I need to accept things. I long for the day when I will not cry because someone laughs or smiles. I want to smile again and not feel guilty. I just am not ready right now. I am still mourning for my son....and I have a feeling that it will last awhile. I am bitter. I want my son back. I want him home with me. I don't understand why he had to go. I wonder if he ever cries for his mommy. I wonder if he really knows how much I love him. Days are getting easier, in fact the last week has been as rough as the day I had to say goodbye. Please keep us in your closest prayers.
Goodnight,
A lonely mommy