lost Hope...lost time

well, i do not have good news to report. once again, the results are negative. where do we turn?? i feel so much like Job right now. i feel like God is giving Satan every chance to try and break our Faith. Satan, bring it on. no matter what, we will stand strong in our Faith. we will try another IVF cycle. we will have a baby or babies. however, i am so ready for God to just say "told you so" to Satan, and let us move on.

so, i didn't feel like celebrating thanksgiving. i ate spaghetti for dinner and i stayed in my pj's all day. i cried all day. i cried for the son that was supposed to be here. i cried b/c i had to shop for a grave blanket. i cried b/c the Christmas tree will be at the cemetery.... i cried b/c i wanted to be thankful for everything i have, but i would give up so much if i could just have him back.

"in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:18

my daily devotional challenged me to just say "God I am thankful for....." something that we aren't happy about being thankful for. i cried all day, b/c i couldn't grasp saying it. i couldn't believe that something like this would come out of my mouth. but, i ended my day sitting with Braxton and i said.....

"God, i am thankful that bubby is in a better place."

as we face another day of disappointment....please don't give up on us....Pray...

i did see this today...and it is beyond words. please visit this site and leave a comment in honor of Braxton. isn't it beautiful....

God Bless,
One Sad Mommy

join my journey.......

we were keeping this all a secret.....but prayers are really needed. i have been keeping track of the journey, and i was hoping to be able to post it all with a better ending. anyway.....

Oct 7- jesse and i have decided to move forward with infertility treatments. we are going to go for the in-vitro. i am very nervous, but hopeful that getting medical help will meet God's plan.

Oct 20- started the yucky birth control pills....they make me puffy!

Nov 3- i have started injecting myself each night 3 different meds. ouch! the pic shows one of two bottles of used syringes.....


Nov 6- all my bloodwork levels came back really good....maybe too good. dr. decided to have me stop one of the meds.

Nov 8- levels fell, so i am back to taking all three meds.

Nov 10- i had the first ultrasound today, and we have 15+ follicles developing!

Nov 12- i had another ultrsound today, and i noticed right away that my left ovary wasn't growing much.....the nurse confirmed my observation. they had to triple my meds.

Nov 14- i was suppose to be ready for the egg retrieval by now, but the left ovary still isn't doing anything. as a matter of fact the follicles seem to be shrinking. God ....what is going on.

Nov 15- received the news that noone wants to hear. the IVF has been cancelled, b/c my follicles have all fizzled. the drop in my levels at the beginning of the cyle hurt everything. we are devastated. the dr has suggested going ahead with another insemination on monday. we know that God can make anything out of dirt....so we are hopeful that the one remaining follicle will produce a healthy mature egg. jesse has to give me my BIG shot tonight in my hiney....yes..i am nervous.
~he is good....i didn't feel a thing~

Nov 17- we proceeded with the insemination. everything seemed to go really well. i have gained some weight throughout the treatment...but i am hoping it will all be worth it. we had the dr do any ultrsound first, just so i could see that there was still a follicle growing. Praise God...there were two maybe three. the first insemination that we tried worked (but we MC at 5 weeks) and there were only three follicles. so, there is still a chance.


there you have it in a very small nutshell. the cycle was much more intense than i could ever explain in words. so here we are in the 2ww ( two week wait). i am super anxious to get good news. i am really struggling. please lift us up in prayer. we so badly want to have children to raise in a good home and bring them up to know that God we serve. we can't wait for the day when we can dedicate our children to their heavenly Father. God, we ask all these things in your son's precious name.

i promise to let you all know just as soon as we know something.

Speechless......

God is Good ...All the time...All the time...God is Good!

I am in utter amazement. God is working in our lives and yesterday it was more than obvious.

Back in 2007, I decided that we needed to start going to church together. I wanted to experience God like other friends had and were. Jesse agreed that he would go with me. We started and he was a bit hesitant at first.. Going to church was an event for us. We went and we felt better, but we didn't really live it outside of the sanctuary. We continued to go to church and I started reading the word and daily devotionals. I had already been baptized when I was 15, but Jesse had not. I never pushed the issue, I just silently wished he would say " I want to get baptized." I silently wished he would join me in reading the devotionals or the Bible.

We were regular church attendees when Braxton went home to be with the Lord. Two weeks after Braxton's passing, Jesse was sitting on the couch after church holding Braxton's picture and I calmly said "Honey, you did hear that tonight is the water baptism at church." He was silent. He said " I know...I have accepted God and I need him more than ever, but I don't know if I want to go back to church tonight." I calmly said " Braxton showed us that life is too short." He said " You are right....tonight it is!" We were both baptized that night March 9, 2008.

Since that day, we have both had are days when all we wanted to do was yell and scream at God. "why...why our son," but more importantly...since that day...we have been changed!

There was a sermon a few months back and I specifically remember Pastor saying that the man should be the spiritual leader in the household. I thought to myself that I just couldn't see Jesse stepping up to that role. I was so glad that he was attending church and had been saved, but I really never believed that he would want to get involved any more than just attending church. I am here to say that I have seen the changes that God has made in my husband. I am here to share with you that miracles that I have seen.

~baptized on March 9
~raises hands in worship
~he is very curious about religion
~he is very attentive and inquisitive about every sermon
~he makes it a point to talk about the sermon every sunday afternoon.
~his idea to go see a movie with our church
~he wants to be an usher at our church
~he tells me that we are getting up and going to church
~he reminds me daily that Braxton wouldn't come back if he could b/c living with God is perfect!
~he wants to start helping with the car care saturday (men change oil for single or military wives)
~we have made a commitment to join the church as members
~he wants to go to a dinner theatre night at church!
~and finally yesterday's awe moment.....

Jesse and I were "farming" yesterday and this is what was said.

J: So, do you have the book of James....is that the Bible you are reading??
D: (slight snicker) Honey do you mean "The King James version"
J: Yeah..thats it.
D: No, mine is the NIV....New International Version.
J: Well, as I was praying the other day, I got a feeling that I would start reading the Bible everyday. What do you think? I mean I really think I want too.

I was speechless....I wanted to say "Praise God" I never imagined when I took him to church several years ago that he would ever WANT to read the Bible. It is amazing the changes I have seen in the last few months and even days! God is working a miracle in him. God is Good...All the time ....All the time...God is Good!