Thursday, June 26, 2008

hear my cry....


let me start by saying hello. i hope you are here to hear my story. i am a mother longing for her child's cry. i need to get my story out and i hope this will work. i need someone to hear my cry. i need someone to listen. my story defines who i am. this is not who i would have ever chosen to be. i hope my story will provide you with inspiration and hope. let me introduce you to my son Braxton Lee. he was more than i ever dreamed of. hello meant goodbye for us.My Story:

Jesse and I struggled for 14 months with infertility treatments. I had two ER surgeries to have cysts removed. In December 2006 I had two cysts that were the softball sized and were knotted. I had more cysts in May 23, 2007 that ruptured. I had to then have a labroscopy to have tissue removed. I had given up hope of ever becoming pregnant. Dr. referred me to Dr. in Indianapolis after we tried a year on clomid. I was suppose to call Dr. office a few days before I started my period, but I still was hoping we had become pregnant on our own, so I procrastinated. The day I started spotting (June 21, 2007) I called and asked if it was to late to come down and start treatments for inseminations. We went right away to learn how to do the injections. The nurse did a baseline ultrasound to make sure I didn't have anymore cysts. I thought my uterine lining looked different than it did in past ultrasounds. She then did a blood test and sent us on our way with the medications. I went for a walk that night with a friend, and upon returning I didn't feel very well. I was reaching for the the mylanta in the bathroom cabinet when I knocked my husband's deodorant into the trashcan. As I was bending over to get the deodorant, I noticed a day old pregnancy test that was now reading positive. I was ecstatic. I then peed on another one and sure enough it read positive as well. My husband works nights, so I had to call him at work. He was really busy and couldn't come home, so I broke him the news over the phone. He came home the next morning and still couldn't believe it. I called the nurse that morning to see if the blood work was back in and explained what had happened the night before. She called me back several hours later and confirmed that yes we were pregnant. We had gotten pregnant  exactly 2 weeks after my last surgery. We were so relieved and happy. Because we had had so much trouble getting pregnant, Dr. wanted to continue to see me just in case something went wrong.
We got to see the baby's heartbeat at 6 weeks and again at 7 1/2. We were so excited! I went back to Dr. for my 10 week appt. We had regular appt the entire pregnancy. The baby was developing wonderfully. I didn't have any problems until late January. I started to gain weight rapidly and the swelling also started.
The nurse practioner made the decision to go ahead and take me off work for the remainder of the pregnancy (5 weeks). My blood pressure would spike on occasions, but nothing serious. I stayed home and relaxed while preparing for the baby. My weight and blood pressure all were normal after I was taken off work. I had a hair appt on February 12, and when I left there I didn't feel right. I was extremely swollen and my blood pressure was 134/92. I called the doctor and he wanted me to come in. I was admitted into the hospital to be observed overnight. There was a trace of protein in my urine as well. The baby was doing very well through all of this despite my 8lb weight gain in 3 days.
Dr. came in the next morning and explained that the pre-eclampsia was very mild, but he would feel better if we went ahead and delivered the baby because we were already full-term (37.5 weeks.) I was only effaced 50% with no dilation. He started cervical ripening at 8am. He came back at 12 noon and I had not progressed any. He did another dose of the cervical ripening. I started to get uncomfortable around 5 pm. My husband and I walked and paced the floors waiting for the doctor to get back. The baby's heart rate was being monitored the whole time and it was doing fine. The nurse checked me at 5:30 and I was 1.5 cm and 60% effaced. They finally moved me into a labor and delivery room. Dr. came at 7:30 and I was 3cm and 80% effaced. He ruptured my membranes at this time. He stated that everything was progressing great and he would return at 9:30. I was 4 cm and 100% effaced at this time. The epidural was ordered b/c I was having heavy contractions. The Dr returned again at 11:30 pm and my contractions had slowed way down, so he ordered pitocin. He told the nurse to check me around 1-1:30. I was doing fine and the baby was too. Our families were all waiting anxiously with us. The nurse came in at 1:00 and stated that the baby's heart rate dipped a little and she needed to roll me over on my side. I was checked every 1/2 hour. By 3 am I was ready to push. We said goodbye to all of our family and told them we would be out just as soon as the little one arrived. The nurse had been having trouble getting a good heart rate reading since about 2:30, but she claimed it was b/c the baby was moving around a lot (I had the epidural, so I couldn't feel the movement.) We started the pushing process, and at 3:15 an older nurse came in to assist. They could not get a heart rate, so they rolled me several times and then gave me oxygen. Dr. was paged at 3:26 and arrived at 3:28. He inserted an internal fetal monitor and could not pick up anything. He tried another and got the same result. He then turned to me and said that the baby was in distress and we needed to do an ER C-section. I remember thinking that they were taking way to long to get things going.
I remember hearing voices talking and I was trying to get myself to wake up. All I wanted to know was if I had a boy or girl. In a blur, I saw a nurse standing over me, I asked "what did I have?" She was shaking her head "no" and said "You had a beautiful baby boy but he didn't make it." I was sure I was in a dream.
Braxton Lee was born at 3:45 am on Valentine's Day. He weighed 6lbs 14oz and was 20'' long. His umbilical cord was wrapped tightly around his neck two times. The heavy contractions and the pushing cut off circulation to his little body.
After talking with the doctors and the neonatalogist, it is clear that the nurses failed to call the doctor soon enough. Braxton had a distressed heart rate from 2:30 on. We struggle everyday wishing we would have said something about the subtle dips in his heart rate. However, we were first time parents, and we didn't know what to expect. It is hard to accept that things could have been different if the doctor would have been contacted sooner.
~info deleted~ We got to hold Braxton for the next 3 days while I was still in the hospital. We were at peace when we would hold him. The day I had to leave him there was the hardest day of my life. Why do all these other women get to leave with a smiling baby and I left empty handed? We laid Braxton to rest on 2/18.

we struggle more and more each day. it is not getting easier. it does not help to see so many families being blessed with babies. however, we continue to smile and act like we are ok. we are breaking inside. i need to express my thoughts and feelings, and i hope you'll stick around to see life through my eyes.

23 comments:

akm1013 said...

Destiny and Jesse, you're amazing courage and love for Braxton astounds me. Not a day goes by that i don't think of you and your precious son! The three of you are an everyday inspiration

kim said...

Destiny and Jesse,There is not a day that goes by ,I dont thank of you to.I wish there was something i could do to help you guys.God is the only one who knows why this happen.You guys are in my prayers everyday and night.

Sunny said...

Hey Des. I think this blog is a good idea. You know that I love you guys so much. Just re-living the events through your words brought me to tears. I just wanted to scream at the monitor and say "Wait! Not more pitocin! Take him NOW! C-section, NOW!" Like in a movie. I know that the Lord has great plans for your family. We have already witnessed Him use your son for greater good than any of us can imagine. He is in the presence of our God. What an amazing thought that is. He is in the glory of Heaven. Wow. He knows the reason behind his own death and he watches over you and Jesse. He knows how much you love and miss him. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to witness your friends becoming parents or even just knowing people that have children. I ask you to please let me know when things upset you, even if they are small. I don't ever want to be a source of pain for you and I want to try to protect you from unnecessary pain and anguish. I can't understand what you are going through. I can't even imagine.

hartracing53 said...

Destiny and Jesse..I think back to the way we first "met." Wow...that was a night! Of course it was at the track and tempers were flaring! I look back and laugh now..you guys are the most amazing and wonderful people Curtis and I have ever met. I can't imagine what you are going through. I wish there was a way to help or make things better. There isn't a day that goes by that I dont think about you both and your situation..or a day that goes by that I dont pray that everything goes better for you. YOU DESERVE SOME GOOD NEWS. And, I know that God will help you through this and he has a way of healing your pain. If you need someone to talk to, please let me know. You both are great people and I hope things start looking up for you both.

Jo said...

I just happened across your blog but my heart is just breaking for you. I can not (and will not) even begin to pretend to know the depth of your pain.

I'm so very sorry for your loss and I hope this blog helps you in some way.

Big Gentle Hugz to you.

Amy said...

Oh my gosh! I am deeply sorry. I just lost my son in a similar way in June and your story just wrentched my heart. Thinking that the labor and delivery were going perfectly ok and then it's those last few moments with the loss of oxygen and air being stripped from them that made all the difference. I too replay those final moments over and over.
My arms of prayer are wrapped around you.

Laura Wiese said...

Jesse and Destiny,
I found your site on HP, I am a member there. I am SO sorry for the loss of your precious son. I also have started a blog (We lost twins in January) and I have found it a wonderful release of pain. I am so sorry, May the Lord give you much peace...and hope.

Laura Wiese

Audra said...

I'm reading your story in tears...my heart truly Hurts and breaks for you and your husband! I can't imagine and I don't understand. I will pray for God's Mercy on your life and for peace that surpasses All Understanding. God Bless you
Oh I'm hurting for you!
In God's Love,
Audra Deffenbaugh

Rose said...

Destiny,
I found your blog today and read your entries about your son and what you are going through. I want you to know that I am praying for you and your husband through your difficult times. It breaks my heart to know that you have to endure this loss that may have been prevented. I hope it gives you comfort to know that there are people who care and would like to support you through prayer.

Angela said...

Hi:
I found your blog from another blog i read.Your story really touched me.I have had alot of pain in my life and a lot of loss.I have not lost one of my living children though so i cant pretend to relate.I lost 3 during pregnancies,but i was blessed with other kids.You will be also.God will bless you.Please believe.I can relate to your crying and sleeping all the time and just not fucntioning.Please allow me to pray for you.
And as far as the negligence about your care at the hospital...PLEASE make sure that you hold them accountable for this.I know it cant bring your child back but it may save someone elses child.Even though we supposedly have excellent medical care in this country,there is ALOT of negligence that needs to be addressed and stopped......please write me


Angela
angela_grace_2007@yahoo.com

Jaime said...

I found your blog through the prayer requests on Bring the Rain. And tears are falling down my face as I read this entry. May God give you peace that your sweet boy is now resting in His arms.

Melanie said...

Destiny I want to thank you for coming over to my blog and leaving me a heartwarming comment. Im blessed to know that He has blessed me with yet another Mommy to an angel in Heaven. Sometimes I try and compare my loss and a loss like yours and the pain is still the same. Thank you for sharing your heart and encouraging others to walk by faith thru the midst of the heartwrenching pain we endure. God bless you and your family.

Anonymous said...

What a heartbreaking and horrifying story. So sorry for your loss. :(

All My Monkeys said...

Man, I can't stop crying to even write this comment. So heartbreaking. What do you say to that? I am very sorry that this happened to you. And it makes me realize I am not thankful enough. I only hope that God blesses you in AMAZING ways in the days to come. It sounds as though he is, based on your more recent posts.

The White Family said...

I found your blog through Lisa and I'm so glad I did. Your story has touched my heart deaply and I'm so sorry for your loss. Bless your heart Destiny.

I wish you all the best.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear about your baby son Braxton. I wandered to your blog through Mc Mamas. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

Jorden and Kristin said...

oh my goodness i am so sorry for your loss. tears are pouring down my face as i read this. you are in my prayers today on a day the country has set aside to remember families and children like yours. you are a strong woman for being able to share your story.

Holly said...

I'm so sorry that you had to say goodbye to your precious Braxton. He is so beautiful. It's so extremely hard to hand them over.

April said...

I am so sorry for your loss I could never imagine the pain that wil always be in your heart. My prayers are with you and your husband though time goes on in our hearts stand still.

Franchesca Cox said...

I am so sorry for your loss of your precious son. I know it is devastating. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us.

xo

Veronica said...

Destiny...I'd been to your blog a long while ago when you first started following along, but hadn't ever read this post. I just wanted to say that I am so, so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine what you've gone through.

I'm so happy for you that you were able to give Braxton a little brother. What a special gift. :)

Anonymous said...

I just stumbled upon your story. On Dec. 23,1980,our firstborn son was prematurely stillborn. It's somewhat of a long story, and now almost 30 years ago, all the details are not as clear. However,due to the fact that is was a first pregnancy,I was not aware that some of the symptoms I was experiencing were indicative of labor. By the time I saw the doc.,I had talked to him on the phone but he didn't seem too concerned and possibly I didn't seem concerned enough,I was completely dialated. We did not see our son,that was our decision at that time. He would have been very tiny as I was only about 22 1/2 weeks preg. But we did have a graveside funeral service with his great-grandfather presiding along with just our family. In all I had 8 pregancies with 3 children living. They are now almost 28, 24 and almost 22. The other pregnancies ended in miscarriages.

savannahssong said...

I just found your blog as I was looking for moms of twins. I am so encouraged to hear your heart and the love you have for ALL of your children. My husband and I had a beautiful baby girl after 14 months of trying to conceive. She was stillborn at almost 20 weeks from an amniotic band around her umbilical cord. Your emotions are so similar to what mine were and still are. 6 months later we became pregnant again, this time with twins. I am just entering my second trimester and still find myself terrified of another heartbreak. Thank you for sharing your heart so honestly. Sometimes I just need to know that someone out there understands what it's like.

 
Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved