****
Warning..this post is negative. It is a sob story, pity party, feel bad for myself post. If you are not interested in listening to me whine, then don't read!
Today, I feel like Braxton's death is a life sentence of anguish and pain. There is something everyday that sparks feelings of sadness or anger. (
There are days when I have LOTS of happiness too, but today is not one of them.) Read on to hear what life seems to be like.
~ Every 14 of the month is a reminder of just how old he should be.
~ Ambien, Xanax, and anti-depressants are necessary parts of our medicine cabinet, just so I can cope.
~ Losing Braxton made me a very clingy, dependent person...this is not healthy for my marriage!
~ Nothing can fully satisfy me. There is forever a hole in my heart.
~ Time did not erase anything!
~ Seeing other children his "age" makes me wonder why, what if, how?
~ Planning a birthday party for Cayden seems unfair to Braxton...all I ever got to "give" him was a headstone.
~ I am overprotective (Cayden will hate this when he grows up.)
~ I am moody and can snap at any moment for unknown reasons.
~ I should know what to say to my friends who are walking closely behind my footsteps...however all I can do is cry for them.
~ Constantly live trying to balance sadness and happiness at the same time (this is extremely difficult.)
~ News broadcasts about irresponsible parents who kill children makes me question God's motive. ( Why couldn't I keep Braxton, why can't I get pregnant, but they do?)
~ I want the happy-go-lucky girl back that enjoyed everything about life (I don't even know where to begin to get her back, I am so far gone.)
I am a mess. I don't know why. I feel distant from this world. I need prayer.
