slap in the face....

I have forgiven and I have to do so everyday, but I will never forget . I left the hospital with a feeling that maybe just maybe something was terribly wrong with Braxton. Or maybe the cord really did cause the trauma. I accepted that.....then three weeks later I get to read this.....

*deleted*

The wound was reopened. And to this day it remains bigger than ever. How can someone be so thoughtless, how can several people look you in the eyes and sincerely say "we have no idea." or "do you hear that, it is your baby's heartbeat" (when in fact it was mine all along). We trusted these people. You trust these people. If anything, I want to raise awareness for medical negligences cases. Do you know how many people have walked from those doors empty handed and truly thought it was all just a freak accident. They sugarcoated everything and tried to sweep my son "under the rug."

Were you there did you see a crazy lady screaming for the baby she couldn't take home. Did you stop and pray or did you calmly walk away?? Did you see her grabbing frantically at every thing in sight. She left that day without the baby she nurtured, loved, and longed for. There were things she had planned. There were dreams they had. Did you see the entire family sobbing as they watched a baby being taken from its mother? Now, she lies awake and sobs at night, while "they" sleep and work on.

Forgivenes is hard to do, but my Lord demands it. So that is what I do. I rest in knowing that heaven is Braxton's home and that is all he will ever know.

hear my cry....

let me start by saying hello. i hope you are here to hear my story. i am a mother longing for her child's cry. i need to get my story out and i hope this will work. i need someone to hear my cry. i need someone to listen. my story defines who i am. this is not who i would have ever chosen to be. i hope my story will provide you with inspiration and hope. let me introduce you to my son Braxton Lee. he was more than i ever dreamed of. hello meant goodbye for us.My Story:

Jesse and I struggled for 14 months with infertility treatments. I had two ER surgeries to have cysts removed. In December 2006 I had two cysts that were the softball sized and were knotted. I had more cysts in May 23, 2007 that ruptured. I had to then have a labroscopy to have tissue removed. I had given up hope of ever becoming pregnant. Dr. referred me to Dr. in Indianapolis after we tried a year on clomid. I was suppose to call Dr. office a few days before I started my period, but I still was hoping we had become pregnant on our own, so I procrastinated. The day I started spotting (June 21, 2007) I called and asked if it was to late to come down and start treatments for inseminations. We went right away to learn how to do the injections. The nurse did a baseline ultrasound to make sure I didn't have anymore cysts. I thought my uterine lining looked different than it did in past ultrasounds. She then did a blood test and sent us on our way with the medications. I went for a walk that night with a friend, and upon returning I didn't feel very well. I was reaching for the the mylanta in the bathroom cabinet when I knocked my husband's deodorant into the trashcan. As I was bending over to get the deodorant, I noticed a day old pregnancy test that was now reading positive. I was ecstatic. I then peed on another one and sure enough it read positive as well. My husband works nights, so I had to call him at work. He was really busy and couldn't come home, so I broke him the news over the phone. He came home the next morning and still couldn't believe it. I called the nurse that morning to see if the blood work was back in and explained what had happened the night before. She called me back several hours later and confirmed that yes we were pregnant. We had gotten pregnant  exactly 2 weeks after my last surgery. We were so relieved and happy. Because we had had so much trouble getting pregnant, Dr. wanted to continue to see me just in case something went wrong.
We got to see the baby's heartbeat at 6 weeks and again at 7 1/2. We were so excited! I went back to Dr. for my 10 week appt. We had regular appt the entire pregnancy. The baby was developing wonderfully. I didn't have any problems until late January. I started to gain weight rapidly and the swelling also started.
The nurse practioner made the decision to go ahead and take me off work for the remainder of the pregnancy (5 weeks). My blood pressure would spike on occasions, but nothing serious. I stayed home and relaxed while preparing for the baby. My weight and blood pressure all were normal after I was taken off work. I had a hair appt on February 12, and when I left there I didn't feel right. I was extremely swollen and my blood pressure was 134/92. I called the doctor and he wanted me to come in. I was admitted into the hospital to be observed overnight. There was a trace of protein in my urine as well. The baby was doing very well through all of this despite my 8lb weight gain in 3 days.
Dr. came in the next morning and explained that the pre-eclampsia was very mild, but he would feel better if we went ahead and delivered the baby because we were already full-term (37.5 weeks.) I was only effaced 50% with no dilation. He started cervical ripening at 8am. He came back at 12 noon and I had not progressed any. He did another dose of the cervical ripening. I started to get uncomfortable around 5 pm. My husband and I walked and paced the floors waiting for the doctor to get back. The baby's heart rate was being monitored the whole time and it was doing fine. The nurse checked me at 5:30 and I was 1.5 cm and 60% effaced. They finally moved me into a labor and delivery room. Dr. came at 7:30 and I was 3cm and 80% effaced. He ruptured my membranes at this time. He stated that everything was progressing great and he would return at 9:30. I was 4 cm and 100% effaced at this time. The epidural was ordered b/c I was having heavy contractions. The Dr returned again at 11:30 pm and my contractions had slowed way down, so he ordered pitocin. He told the nurse to check me around 1-1:30. I was doing fine and the baby was too. Our families were all waiting anxiously with us. The nurse came in at 1:00 and stated that the baby's heart rate dipped a little and she needed to roll me over on my side. I was checked every 1/2 hour. By 3 am I was ready to push. We said goodbye to all of our family and told them we would be out just as soon as the little one arrived. The nurse had been having trouble getting a good heart rate reading since about 2:30, but she claimed it was b/c the baby was moving around a lot (I had the epidural, so I couldn't feel the movement.) We started the pushing process, and at 3:15 an older nurse came in to assist. They could not get a heart rate, so they rolled me several times and then gave me oxygen. Dr. was paged at 3:26 and arrived at 3:28. He inserted an internal fetal monitor and could not pick up anything. He tried another and got the same result. He then turned to me and said that the baby was in distress and we needed to do an ER C-section. I remember thinking that they were taking way to long to get things going.
I remember hearing voices talking and I was trying to get myself to wake up. All I wanted to know was if I had a boy or girl. In a blur, I saw a nurse standing over me, I asked "what did I have?" She was shaking her head "no" and said "You had a beautiful baby boy but he didn't make it." I was sure I was in a dream.
Braxton Lee was born at 3:45 am on Valentine's Day. He weighed 6lbs 14oz and was 20'' long. His umbilical cord was wrapped tightly around his neck two times. The heavy contractions and the pushing cut off circulation to his little body.
After talking with the doctors and the neonatalogist, it is clear that the nurses failed to call the doctor soon enough. Braxton had a distressed heart rate from 2:30 on. We struggle everyday wishing we would have said something about the subtle dips in his heart rate. However, we were first time parents, and we didn't know what to expect. It is hard to accept that things could have been different if the doctor would have been contacted sooner.
~info deleted~ We got to hold Braxton for the next 3 days while I was still in the hospital. We were at peace when we would hold him. The day I had to leave him there was the hardest day of my life. Why do all these other women get to leave with a smiling baby and I left empty handed? We laid Braxton to rest on 2/18.

we struggle more and more each day. it is not getting easier. it does not help to see so many families being blessed with babies. however, we continue to smile and act like we are ok. we are breaking inside. i need to express my thoughts and feelings, and i hope you'll stick around to see life through my eyes.