~Wonderfully Made Wednesday~

One year ago today, I remember laying on the ultrasound table waiting to find out the gender of our baby.  It was the reflection on the poster in front of me, of my Dr coming thru the door that completely turned my life around (again).  I knew immediately that "something" was not right.  "I am really sorry, but the technician has seen some things that she isn't sure about on the ultrasound."  Jesse and I waited while the Dr and the tech discussed in whispers what they were seeing.

I dry heeved, sobbed, and pleaded with God that this child live.  My Dr turned to us with the very same plead in his eyes.  Dr's aren't supposed to show emotion or get attached to patients, but I could see the "why are you making me go through this with these two again" look in his eyes.  He kindly explained that the baby's heart looked abnormal, it appeared that the left valve was missing.  The back of the baby's head was also much larger than normal.  He told us that he would have his nurse call a specialist in Indy, and that we would be seen in the next few weeks.  My loving husband told the Dr that I would not make it "weeks", I needed to be seen that week.  I didn't want to get dressed, I wanted to sit and stare at our precious baby BOY, as he kicked and squirmed in my belly.

Just as soon as I got home, I got a phone call from the nurse confirming an appt for later in the week with the specialist.  We went to the specialist that Friday.  We were both so scared.  We knew that we could not go through the pain of losing another child.  I don't think I could have prayed anymore that week.  Every 5 minutes, I was praying for Cayden.  The specialist confirmed that there was a larger than normal nuchal fold, but that the heart looked ok to him.  However, Cayden had developed fluid around his heart and lungs.  The prognosis did not look promising at that point.  We met with a genetic counselor that discussed chromosomal abnormalities.  We left that day feeling empty.

The next seven weeks proved to be very stressful.  I spent most of my days praying and stressing.  I talked endlessly to baby Cayden.  We read books and loved on my belly.  We had ultrasounds every 2 weeks.  It appeared that nothing was changing, but it wasn't getting worse either.  Jesse and I vacationed to Nashville to try and get our minds on something else, but it was the haunting reality that we might not get to "meet" Cayden, that consumed me.

It was at our appt on June 25 that we saw a MIRACLE.  The fluid was gone, his heart was beating perfectly, and the nuchal fold had shrunk.  God healed our baby.  For those of you still waiting on a MIRACLE today, I have seen the healing hands of God, I know He is still working miracles.  Don't give up, keep praying, and spend time basking in His peace!

Then....Now..!!

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,

I know that full well." Psalms 139:14

~ Mother's Day~

The uneasiness of Mother's Day started for me in 2007.  I had recently had my 6 failed clomid cycle (14 months of trying), and I remember the words from my ob/gyn, "I am going to refer you to a specialist, because there really isn't much more I can do."  The thought of me never being a mommy resounded in my head that Mother's Day. 

The worst of my Mother's Days followed in 2008.  I had officially been a Mother for a mere 3 months, yet our cradle was empty. I tried to prepare myself weeks prior, but that really just made me contemplate on the day more.  I attended church service that day, because I felt like it was the "right" thing to do, but turns out it was "wrong."  I sat silent when our Pastor asked all mothers to stand, my heart ached because I knew I was a mom.  It was a gently nudge from my husband that got me to stand to my trembling feet.  There I stood amongst other mothers, but I was different.  No one had seen me with a baby, carseat, blanket, or anything the remotely looked as if I was a mother.   The day really was just a day full of tears and a sad reminder that my baby had died. I attempted several times while grocery shopping to make way towards the card aisle to at least get a card for our moms, but I couldn't even do that.  The countless aisles of flowers, cards, frames, etc was to heartwrenching for me.  To say the least the entire day was a wash.

Last year, I was full of excitement, fear, pain, and joy.  I was missing the 1 year old that should have been full of smiles and kisses, yet I was savoring the first movements of our new baby.  I felt him move for the first time the week of Mother's Day....I felt life again.  I was so fearful though...."I had made it this far, "what if something goes wrong," "I can't fathom losing another child." etc.  I steered clear of the church service this year. However, it was at a cookout where others were wishing "Happy Mothers Day" to others, and I was skipped over.  I then heard "Destiny is a mother too." as my mother hugged me fighting back tears.   I had to quickly exit to the bathroom where I cried and wondered, "if a full term baby that died and the now 17 week baby belly didn't remind some that I was a mother, then what makes a mother?"  I knew I was a mother, but in today's society, we only assume that those with visible living children are "mothers". 

This Mother's Day my heart as been led to fee and pray for those mothers who have empty arms.  I have been praying and seeking God's peace and strength for so many women who have either experienced infant death, miscarriage, and/or infertiilty. I know so many women that are going to have a difficult Mother's Day this year.  Yesterday, I had every intention of finding the perfect bouquet of tulips and the perfect card with the perfect words to help a grieving friend, but 10 minutes in Wal-mart completely ruined my day.  The cards were to hard to read, the flowers were reminders of LIFE, and the babies (including my own) were reminders of what my dear friend was missing.  I had the best of intentions, but I knocked on her door with tear filled eyes, a droopy bouquet of wilted tulips and a card that just simply didn't have the words that would make it any better.  My heart hurts,  because even though I have walked in her steps, I can not fix it nor can I ease the pain.

 It was upon leaving her home that I realized that I have really focused my entire thinking on Mother's Day towards these women, so much that it is just now dawning on me that I have a visible, living, breathing BABY this Mother's Day, and I am ecstatic.  I can't wait to go to the Mother's Day cookout with a BABY!!!  He will be the center of attention and I will be his proud MOTHER. However, there is a piece of me missing.  A part of me that will forever be void.  This missing link, means that I will never have a Mother's Day that I dreamed of.  If you are a mother with children, just imagine one of them not being there.....this is what every Mother's Day for me will be like.  This doesn't mean that I can not fully enjoy my day with Cayden, it just simply means that Braxton is gone.  This year I can just picture him shopping with daddy and making messy handprint impressions.  I can picture a smiling, black curly haired little boy dressed in a polo shirt and bibs running in and jumping on the bed to wake me on Sunday morning.  Those thoughts will fill my mind, but I am going to be thankful for the baby that I do have here with me. God has blessed me abundantly.  Finally a Mother's Day with a baby in my house!

I would like to turn back to the women who won't be having a Mother's Day like my own.  I personally know and have met several blogger friends who have empty arms due to infant death, stillbirths, or miscarriage.  I know several women who have since had their "rainbow" babies, but are still missing another child.  I know women who are aching for a child of their own and patiently waiting for God's perfect timing.  I would appreciate if you could lift up these women who fall into one or both of these categories;  Leah, Amy, Tami, Erica, Jordan, Katie, Jennifer, Cassi, Krista, Kellie, Meagan, Leah, Sarah, Amanda, Ashley, Lisa, and Paige.  I know there are so many others, but my brain is empty.  Ladies, please know that you have been covered in prayer over the past few weeks.  May God bless you.

Finally, Happy Mother's Day to all mothers!  I know my mom is going to be beaming this Mother's Day, because she is a grandma too!!  Never take one second for granted with your children....they are all true blessings from God.

 "How happy is everyone who fears the Lord, who walks in His ways! You will surely eat what your hands have worked for. You will be happy, and it will go well for you...May the Lord bless you from Zion, so that you will see the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life, and will see your children's children". ~Psalms 128:1-2, 5-6