Break Every Chain...

I have felt a new "freedom" for several months, and it needs to be shared.  So many of us live with things of the past that need to be let go of.  There was a sermon last year that changed something in me...  It was something that I was "holding on to."  We can't truly be free if we are holding onto even the smallest of things.  Our relationship with Christ can't mature and grow if we are letting something, someone, or sometime hold us back.  In a nutshell the sermon was about letting go of "baggage" from the past. 

Throughout the entire sermon there was a name that kept resounding in my head/mind.  The name of someone who my flesh likes to blame for my loss.  I have said that I have "forgiven" several times, but there was still a part of me that was "holding on," just so I would feel better about the entire situation. It always makes us feel better if we can point fingers at someone or something for the strongholds or situations in our lives. 

The disgusting selfish side of me felt better having someone to "blame."  While my heart knew that God was in control that night, my earthly flesh kept reminding me that there were others in control that night as well.  Holding onto my anger only kept me stirred about the situation. 

The song "Break every Chain" played during worship, and before I even knew what the sermon was about...God was stirring my heart.  He was speaking directly to me to "let go."  About mid sermon our pastor asked us to think about a time, person, stronghold, issue, etc that we were carrying around with us, and to write it on the slip of paper that had been provided to us. 

I cried.  I leaned into one of my best friends who has also lost a baby, and simply said "I just can't write it down."  She reminded me that it wasn't for that person, but for me.  I knew that if I wanted true freedom in Christ that I needed to "let go." 

As the sermon ended, we were asked to bring the slips of paper down front and rip them up at the altar...symbolizes "letting go."  I waited....my flesh and heart fought a hard battle.  The enemy kept reminding me of why I was "holding on," and my Savior kept me reminding me why I needed to "let go."  I wrote that name down, stood to my feet, and walked to the altar with my husband on one side and my friend behind me. 

As the song repeated..."break every chain, break every chain, break every chain," I tore that paper into tiny pieces and laid them at the altar.  It was in the coming weeks that I began to feel "free."  I was letting something that I could not and can not change, hold me back from truly enjoying this life. 

Are you living in the past?  Is there something or someone who has hurt you deeply that you just keep clinging to, and using as an excuse to why life is hard for you?  Is it something that you can not change...if so, let it go.  I have spent the last 4 years of my life bound to chains that I have no control over.  A situation that as much as my wish I could...I can not change.  I can't have him back in this life, so it is time I start truly enjoying the blessed life that I have here. 

Am I still  sad and upset at the situation...absolutely.  I miss him to the core of my being.  Watching my friends' 4 year olds hurts at times.  I am watching what I am missing out on.  However, holding on to the hurt/anger only makes me miss more of this life that I don't have to miss.

Listen to this song, and let your heart cry out to God.  Ask Him to heal that hurt.  Only He can set you free.  Forgiving is about forgiving the person/situation and the sin.  If we want God to forgive us, we must forgive as we wish to be forgiven...completely not half heartedly! 

Do not let the bondage of the past keep you from being truly free!  God can bring you hope and healing.  He is mighty to save!  Let the Holy Spirit stir something in you! 

I am fully aware that this is a journey...I will probably have to "let go" of the same thing for many years to come...but this is a great start!!!

Praise be to Jesus!

~Sharing Thirty- One~

I would like to extend an invitation to all of my wonderful blog readers.  The Thirty-One outlet sale will start tomorrow.  You just have visit my Thirty-One page and click on the "Outlet Sale" banner.  It is that easy!!  Products will be at a great discount!

I would also like to share something that may be life changing for someone.  Thirty-One is currently running an opportunity to join incentive!!  They will be reimbursing new consultants (April 16-May 30) the entire $99 for enrolling, if they submit $1000 in the their first 30 days. 

Not only would you get your kit FREE, you would also get $250 in commission and a great start for Dream Rewards.  I would love to share how Thirty-One has changed me and my family.  We are receiving blessing after blessing from this Christian based direct sales company.  Email me if you would like more information!! 

~10 Months~

Time can slow down anytime now!!!  The closer they get to one...the more I want another one...and the more I realize... we might be done..sigh.

~Brock Adam~

* He got pretty sick at the beginning of March (RSV and ear infections then flu!)  He ended up losing over a pound.

* He weighs exactly 17lbs.

*Starting eating table foods this month!!  (cheerios, grilled cheese, applesauce, cereal bars, fish)

* Size 3 diaper.

*9 month clothes, 3-6mo pants.....now that it has been nice out he can actually where some 3-6 outfits...he really just needs 9 mo for length!

*He is definitely my "happy baby." He has a very laid back loving personality.

*Got first tooth!

*Pulls up on everything...can crawl, sit, crawl.
*Laughs and giggles at random times!! (so cute)

~Lynlee Grace~

* Weighs 17# 4 oz

* Got RSV as well.

* LOVES table food and LOVES to eat!!

*She is a DADDY'S GIRL. 

* She prefers men over women.

*Size 3 diaper.

*9 month clothes, 3-6 mo pants....can wear short sleeved 6 month stuff!

* Has two teeth!

*Pulls ups to everything! Can crawl, sit, crawl.

*Personality like Cayden!

(She wouldn't stop moving or laughing for pictures!)

Getting picture of both...is nearly impossible!!! 

But...I got one!!

These babies are more precious than life itself!!!   I love them more and more everyday! I love watching them "grow" into very different children.
 

REALLY??!!

Monday night we put the kids to bed at their regular bedtimes; 8 for babies and 9 for Cayden.  I was really tired as well, so I went to bed with Cayden.  All was well until 11pm.  I heard
Brock fussing (which is not unusual for him...if I put him in bed with me, he goes right back to sleep.)  As I was trying to get him out of crib, I hear a painful cry coming from Cayden's room.  I picked Brock up and headed to check on Cayden.  Just as soon as I got into Cayden's room, I heard Lynlee crying!  I had to pinch myself to be sure I wasn't just dreaming. REALLY??!!

I had to wake up Jesse, because I knew I wasn't going to be able to get them all back asleep.  I woke him up and asked him to try to calm Cayden while I went to get Lynlee.  I no more than walked out of our room, when I heard Cayden stumbling around in the bathroom!!  I quickly went back to my room to find that Jesse has already fallen back asleep....REALLY??!!

I decided to wake him and and send him down with Brock to try and rock him.  I laid with Cayden for awhile, and he continued to toss/turn, cry out, flail arms and legs.  I decided that Cayden, Lynlee, and I would attempt to "snuggle" on the couch in hopes that they would both fall asleep. 

As we got downstairs, Jesse was getting up to take Brock back to bed.  He could have no more than laid him down and got back into bed when I heard Brock screaming again.  I waited thinking that Jesse would just get back up and get him again....waited....waited....let me cry for about 7 minutes, then I slowly hoisted myself off couch...Cayden was finally asleep...and Lynlee was dozing in my arms.  I went into our room, and politely asked Jesse if he could hear Brock.  "huh? what? what is going on? what's wrong?"  I politely responded with "Brock has been screaming since you laid him back down."  "He has?  I must have fallen asleep."  REALLY!!!?? 

pinch....I am still awake!!!

I then proceeded to tell him that Cayden was asleep on couch.  I asked him to go down and get Cayden and take him back to his bed.  I got into our bed with Brock, hoping that he had worn himself out from crying for the last 1.5 hrs.  I waited for Jesse to come back up with Cayden...and he never did! 

After another hour passed, and Brock was still crying, I went back downstairs to asked for some assistance....by this point, I can hardly hold my eyes open.  I was shocked to find a sleeping Jesse curled up on the couch....Cayden still laying with his head crooked! 

I kindly asked Jesse if he could please rock Brock again, so I could attempt to get some rest.  With a startled response says "huh?  yea.  I can go back down and rock him."  "Honey you are already down, you never came back up with Cayden."  "I didn't?  I thought I took him back to his bed??"  REALLY??!!

No joke..he laid his head back down and started snoring!  I was getting a bit perturbed at this point, but I went to the rocking chair and starting rocking.  Brock continued to cry.  I grabbed a thermometer, and sure enough he had a fever of 102!  I gave him some Tylenol and started rocking again After another 20 minutes of crying...I said very loudly as to wake Jesse up "SERIOUSLY?"  He jumped up from couch... "I told you I would rock him." "Yes, you did...a half hour ago!!" REALLY??!!

By this point it was 2:15.  I decided that I would try driving around with him in hopes that would lull him to sleep. So, yes at 230 a.m. I got into my car and went for a ride! 

I drove around the country block and came back home (20 min.)  I didn't turn any lights on when I got into house, because I didn't want to wake him up.  I heard Jesse get off couch as I was unstrapping Brock.  I assumed he was carrying Cayden up to his room.  I went ahead and took Brock up to his crib.  As I was laying Brock down, I heard Jesse going back downstairs....I assumed to grab Cayden's blanket.  So, I just went ahead and went back to our bed.  About 3 minutes later, Jesse climbed into bed and screamed like a girl..."Oh my gosh...you scared the crap out of me.  I thought you left to take Brock for a ride??"  REALLY??!!

Tuesday morning, Jesse called from work and says "Man, that was the craziest night ever.  We didn't get any sleep!"  REALLY??!!

With a chuckle, I calmly explained the sleepless night that I had!!!  I am pretty sure he got plenty of sleep...he just wasn't sure if he was sleeping in bed, couch, or recliner!! 

Needless to say, all of my children slept until 10!!!  I had lunch plans, so I managed to peel myself off couch.  As I was eating, my phone rang, and it was my mom (who was watching the boys.)  She said that Cayden had been crying the entire morning.  I finished my lunch and headed back home.  I called the Dr on my way and they told me to bring him in. 

I decided that I was taking all the kids, because I was going to have them look in Brock's ears as well. 

Dr looked into Cayden's

I simply asked her if she wouldn't mind just peeking at Brock's ears to, because he had been up all night.  She didn't mind checking him at all.  After checking, she frowned and said "I am afraid he has a double ear infection as well."

I jokingly said "well maybe you should just check Lynlee too!"  To which she responded "I sure will!"

"I am afraid she has a double ear infection too!!"  REALLY??!!!

 I guess the ear infections explain the insane night we had.   Would you please lift my sweet babies up in prayer?  There are times when I feel like my prayers aren't being heard....and this is one of them! 

I am so ready for my babies to be healthy (for more than a week!)  Brock's surgery will be postponed indefinitely until we find out if he will need tubes.  (This is the 4th ear infection......it has really been one big continuous infection with breaks while on antibiotics!)

Just for giggles....REALLY??!!!

WE ARE STILL ALIVE!

I can't believe it has been since the babes were 8 months old that I actually sat and posted something on time!  I just posted their 9 mo stats...and they are nearly 10 mo old!!  Let me just update in random sentences...

We have had 9 regular Dr visits, 2 ER visits and 2 specialist visits since mid-January (this does not include their well baby visits!)  We have been sick for a long time around here.  It all started with colds that lasted several weeks.  Then we had flu.  The colds created nasty ear infections. We got a 3 day break to catch our breath (literally) and then we had colds again.  The colds progressed in pneumonia for Cayden and RSV for the twins.  I am not even kidding when I say that we immediately jumped into a bad 24 hour flu!  Yes, we are about to go insane.  As I am posting, I am holding my breath, because we are all well...kinda...

Brock has another medical issue that has been addressed in addition to all of the "normal" sicknesses.  He has seen a general surgeon and a pediatric surgeon to have the problem evaluated.  He will be undergoing surgery on next Monday.  I am very nervous about seeing my baby put under anesthesia, so I would covet your prayers during this time.  He has lost weight from the ongoing sicknesses, and he just hasn't fully rebounded.  The Dr is running more tests to see if he has developed a different infection from being on so many antibiotics.  Believe me when I say, I am so ready for this to all pass. Our Dr has given us an "ok" to precede with surgery despite his weeks of sickness.

We are going to be building our forever home! We have purchased a farm not far from our current place, and we are in the process of finding a builder.  I am super excited about designing my own home.  I will admit I am a tad bit nervous as well.  I just am not good at decorating.  I like so many different styles, so deciding on just one will be difficult.  Pinterest has become a great place for me to "pin" all the ideas that I like. 

We are raising our own calves for freezer meat.  We now have enough pasture area for our two horses and three calves.  I prefer meat that we raise.  I know exactly what is in it!!  No hormones or additives....just plain grain and grass fed!!

I have been SUPER successful with my Thirty-One business.  It has helped me "find myself" again.  I got so lost in losing Braxton, infertility, and then mothering that I lost who I was.  I have found something that I enjoy.  I love getting out once a week or every other just to have fun adult conversation with other women...and I have met so many new people.  It truly was the best $99 investment ever.  I have consistently made $500 every month with as little as 8 hours of my time!!  God just keeps blessing this business.  If you are interested or have questions regarding Thirty-One feel free to send me a message.  I would love to share with you how it has positively impacted our lives. 

We have record breaking seasonably high temperatures the past 2 weeks.  It is currently 86* here!!  The normal for March is low to mid 60's if we are lucky.  It has been nice to be able to at least get out of the house during all the crazy sickness that has enveloped us. 

I am sure I could go on and on with updates and randomness, but I won't bore you any longer.  Just wanted to let you know....WE ARE ALL STILL ALIVE!! 

~9 Months~

Let me start by saying how ready I am for a deep freeze or Spring to come and stay.  The sickness just keeps lingering in our house.  We have all had colds at least twice and now Brock and Cayden have ear infections, and Cayden has mild pneumonia. 
Brock and Lynlee have had a big month in development.  We went from crawling to pulling up! They also started some real food!! 

~Brock Adam~

~Weights 15# 4oz (Sister passed him in weight!)

~ Brock started crawling on February 11th.

~He was pulling himself up to standing in his crib on the 15th.

~Got first ear infection.

~Found on he has to have surgery at the end of the month (please keep us in your prayers!)

~Started eating cheerios, breakfast bars, crackers, cookies, mashed potatoes, and drinking from a sippy!

~Just started weaning from 4 bottles to 3.

~Sleeps 8-730. (Has started waking at 2ish to come sleep with mommy!!)

~Takes 3 short naps. (20min-90min)

~9 month clothing....some 6 month

~He is a "follower" or "mommy's buddy"

~Lynlee Grace~

~ Weighs 15# 8oz

~ Started crawling on the 5th.

~Started pulling up on 16th. (Still working on perfecting that!)

~LOVES her daddy!! 

~Says "dada" and occasionally something that sounds like "hi."

~Started eating cheerios, breakfast bars, crackers, cookies, mashed potatoes, and drinking from a sippy!

~Just started weaning from 4 bottles to 3.

~Sleeps 8-730. (Has started waking at 2ish to come sleep with mommy!!)

~Takes 3 short naps. (20min-90min)

~9 month clothing....some 6 month

~Bottom gums are really swollen...two teeth are ready to poke through!!

~She is an "explorer."

(Monthly pictures were taken nearly 3 weeks late...due to extreme illness in our house!!)

His story....

We have come so far.  God has made something out of a terrible situation.  We are forever blessed and thankful for the Braxton's life.  I will spend today remembering his precious life and the days we had with him.. Happy Birthday baby boy. 

"You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy. " Psalm 30:11

Following is copy of first blog.... 

let me start by saying hello. i hope you are here to hear my story. i am a mother longing for her child's cry. i need to get my story out and i hope this will work. i need someone to hear my cry. i need someone to listen. my story defines who i am. this is not who i would have ever chosen to be. i hope my story will provide you with inspiration and hope. let me introduce you to my son Braxton Lee. he was more than i ever dreamed of. hello meant goodbye for us.My Story:




Jesse and I struggled for 14 months with infertility treatments. I had two ER surgeries to have cysts removed. In December 2006 I had two cysts that were the softball sized and were knotted. I had more cysts in May 23, 2007 that ruptured. I had to then have a labroscopy to have tissue removed. I had given up hope of ever becoming pregnant. Dr. referred me to Dr. in Indianapolis after we tried a year on clomid. I was suppose to call Dr. office a few days before I started my period, but I still was hoping we had become pregnant on our own, so I procrastinated. The day I started spotting (June 21, 2007) I called and asked if it was to late to come down and start treatments for inseminations. We went right away to learn how to do the injections. The nurse did a baseline ultrasound to make sure I didn't have anymore cysts. I thought my uterine lining looked different than it did in past ultrasounds. She then did a blood test and sent us on our way with the medications. I went for a walk that night with a friend, and upon returning I didn't feel very well. I was reaching for the the mylanta in the bathroom cabinet when I knocked my husband's deodorant into the trashcan. As I was bending over to get the deodorant, I noticed a day old pregnancy test that was now reading positive. I was ecstatic. I then peed on another one and sure enough it read positive as well. My husband works nights, so I had to call him at work. He was really busy and couldn't come home, so I broke him the news over the phone. He came home the next morning and still couldn't believe it. I called the nurse that morning to see if the blood work was back in and explained what had happened the night before. She called me back several hours later and confirmed that yes we were pregnant. We had gotten pregnant exactly 2 weeks after my last surgery. We were so relieved and happy. Because we had had so much trouble getting pregnant, Dr. wanted to continue to see me just in case something went wrong.

We got to see the baby's heartbeat at 6 weeks and again at 7 1/2. We were so excited! I went back to Dr. for my 10 week appt. We had regular appt the entire pregnancy. The baby was developing wonderfully. I didn't have any problems until late January. I started to gain weight rapidly and the swelling also started.

The nurse practioner made the decision to go ahead and take me off work for the remainder of the pregnancy (5 weeks). My blood pressure would spike on occasions, but nothing serious. I stayed home and relaxed while preparing for the baby. My weight and blood pressure all were normal after I was taken off work. I had a hair appt on February 12, and when I left there I didn't feel right. I was extremely swollen and my blood pressure was 134/92. I called the doctor and he wanted me to come in. I was admitted into the hospital to be observed overnight. There was a trace of protein in my urine as well. The baby was doing very well through all of this despite my 8lb weight gain in 3 days.

Dr. came in the next morning and explained that the pre-eclampsia was very mild, but he would feel better if we went ahead and delivered the baby because we were already full-term (37.5 weeks.) I was only effaced 50% with no dilation. He started cervical ripening at 8am. He came back at 12 noon and I had not progressed any. He did another dose of the cervical ripening. I started to get uncomfortable around 5 pm. My husband and I walked and paced the floors waiting for the doctor to get back. The baby's heart rate was being monitored the whole time and it was doing fine. The nurse checked me at 5:30 and I was 1.5 cm and 60% effaced. They finally moved me into a labor and delivery room. Dr. came at 7:30 and I was 3cm and 80% effaced. He ruptured my membranes at this time. He stated that everything was progressing great and he would return at 9:30. I was 4 cm and 100% effaced at this time. The epidural was ordered b/c I was having heavy contractions. The Dr returned again at 11:30 pm and my contractions had slowed way down, so he ordered pitocin. He told the nurse to check me around 1-1:30. I was doing fine and the baby was too. Our families were all waiting anxiously with us. The nurse came in at 1:00 and stated that the baby's heart rate dipped a little and she needed to roll me over on my side. I was checked every 1/2 hour. By 3 am I was ready to push. We said goodbye to all of our family and told them we would be out just as soon as the little one arrived. The nurse had been having trouble getting a good heart rate reading since about 2:30, but she claimed it was b/c the baby was moving around a lot (I had the epidural, so I couldn't feel the movement.) We started the pushing process, and at 3:15 an older nurse came in to assist. They could not get a heart rate, so they rolled me several times and then gave me oxygen. Dr. was paged at 3:26 and arrived at 3:28. He inserted an internal fetal monitor and could not pick up anything. He tried another and got the same result. He then turned to me and said that the baby was in distress and we needed to do an ER C-section. I remember thinking that they were taking way to long to get things going.

I remember hearing voices talking and I was trying to get myself to wake up. All I wanted to know was if I had a boy or girl. In a blur, I saw a nurse standing over me, I asked "what did I have?" She was shaking her head "no" and said "You had a beautiful baby boy but he didn't make it." I was sure I was in a dream.

Braxton Lee was born at 3:45 am on Valentine's Day. He weighed 6lbs 14oz and was 20'' long. His umbilical cord was wrapped tightly around his neck two times. The heavy contractions and the pushing cut off circulation to his little body.

After talking with the doctors and the neonatalogist, it is clear that the nurses failed to call the doctor soon enough. Braxton had a distressed heart rate from 2:30 on. We struggle everyday wishing we would have said something about the subtle dips in his heart rate. However, we were first time parents, and we didn't know what to expect. It is hard to accept that things could have been different if the doctor would have been contacted sooner.

~info deleted~ We got to hold Braxton for the next 3 days while I was still in the hospital. We were at peace when we would hold him. The day I had to leave him there was the hardest day of my life. Why do all these other women get to leave with a smiling baby and I left empty handed? We laid Braxton to rest on 2/18.



we struggle more and more each day. it is not getting easier. it does not help to see so many families being blessed with babies. however, we continue to smile and act like we are ok. we are breaking inside. i need to express my thoughts and feelings, and i hope you'll stick around to see life through my eyes.